She who will tell me
by GirlonaBridge
Summary: Gill/Rachel/Janet - inspired by Aimeefran's video "I'm Only Human". Gill is with Rachel but her own fears make her seem distant. Rachel doesn't believe Gill really cares and on a drunken night out with Janet things start to happen between the two friends. Betrayal. Trust. Love. Pain. Choices. This is a fairly high T I think but it's not explicit.
1. Chapter 1

Inspired by Aimeefran's gorgeous video "I'm only human" which can be found on youtube. So all praise to her for the idea for the story and a thousand thanks for letting me write a version of it. There will be more – I have got totally carried away with the angst!

The quotes in the middle at the beginning of each section are from the lyrics of the song used in the video – 'Flowers for a Ghost' by Thriving Ivory.

* * *

"_who will tell me how it ends and how it all begins?"_

_..._

_It ends when Gill walks out the door. _

_It ends when Rachel blinks._

_..._

'I've got to go.'

The words murmured close against her ear drew Rachel gently from sleep. She groaned and turned her face into the pillow. It must be the middle of the night. She became aware of a hand tracing intricate patterns on the small of her back, delicate fingers sending shivers through her in spite of her sleepiness. Gill would often wake her up with sex. Rachel suspected she liked the control. She wasn't quite sure how she felt about it sometimes, but it would be pointless trying to deny that she liked it when the evidence was overwhelmingly to the contrary. Now, she rolled over and squinted up at the other woman. Her boss, her lover. The room was dark but they had left the landing light on and the door was slightly open. In the half light, Gill's face was shadowed and hard to read. She was already dressed, Rachel noticed, so she really was leaving soon. _Stay_. Rachel wanted to say it so badly. She wanted to pull off the neat skirt and blouse and wrap herself around the bird-like frame and fall asleep together. She wanted to open her eyes in the morning and find her still there. But Rachel knew that wasn't going to happen. Both of Gill's hands were roaming over her skin now and she leaned down to kiss her. Rachel responded. _Stay_. She tried to imbue it into the kiss. _Stay. _She practised saying it in her head. _Stay_. But she couldn't. She knew she couldn't bear to hear the _no_ that would inevitably be the answer. So she let Gill lead the situation and she reacted because she couldn't help herself.

'I've got to go,' Gill murmured again when Rachel lay there gasping. She stood and moved away before Rachel could even reach over to kiss her again.

'Gill,' Rachel sat up. The smaller woman paused in the doorway, turned back to look at her. _Stay._

'What?'

'Erm. See you later.' She tried to smile. Only managed to look vaguely confused.

'See you later kid.' Rachel just caught sight of the wink as Gill turned on her heel and headed off down the landing. She would let herself out. Again.

Rachel flopped back on the mattress. How the hell on earth had she got herself into this situation? The boss's dirty little secret. No, that was unfair. Gill had done a lot for her and they both wanted to keep their relationship quiet, for countless reasons. Janet knew, of course, but Janet was different. They made a good pair in a lot of ways, she and Gill. Rachel was fascinated with Gill's mind. They could talk for hours. Gill was never tired of answering her questions. Rachel still thrilled every time she saw Gill's brain making a special leap, and the effort of constantly trying to keep up with her, to surprise her, was an added excitement. They shared an obsession with their work. And the sex was phenomenal. The chemistry that often led them to bang heads in the office was highly combustible in private. They literally could not keep their hands off each other. Rachel couldn't remember the last time she had been with a lover who wanted her so much, who wanted to please her so much. It hadn't half put a spring in her step. But... she wanted more. It wasn't the secrecy of their relationship that bothered her exactly, though that helped feed her insecurities. It was more that she was starting to feel like she didn't really matter. Rachel was starting to find that sex and conversation weren't enough. Gill could get anyone for that. When they were at work, Gill was absolutely the boss, not a hint of intimacy or impropriety. And when they were together outside work, there was always a little distance. She felt like she still hardly knew the woman she climbed into bed with, no matter how close they seemed. Gill never stayed the night. That was really starting to bother Rachel. She had never been one to be clingy, at least not outwardly so, but sometimes she wished that she could be. She wished that someone would notice that actually she wanted someone to hold onto as hard as she could and never let go, someone who would hold her back. Someone who would never leave her. Rachel huffed disconsolately at the ceiling. She couldn't say it though. Just couldn't. It wasn't in her to ask for that sort of thing. She didn't know how. Anyway, life wasn't like that. She reached for the duvet and dragged it over her head, huddling up in a ball. She had Gill. Six months ago she couldn't have dreamed of being so lucky.

...

Gill drove home through the darkest patch of the night, with Rachel on the brain. That was happening a lot. She was pretty special. It was getting harder and harder to leave each time. Tonight, Gill had lain beside her, listening to her breathe as she slept. Her chest had ached with how much she cared for her. Rachel was bright, beautiful, passionate, and wild. Gill felt very very vulnerable as she lay there. She shifted slightly to look at her face, features sleep soft. It was always hard to believe that a sleeping person could be cruel but, in Gill's experience, when they opened their eyes they so often were. This woman held Gill's heart in her hands and she probably didn't even realise it. Gill wasn't entirely sure she would care if she did. There was a wild streak in Rachel that had always attracted her and made her nervous at the same time, for both of them. Rachel could lash out, she could hurt and be hurt by her own fierceness. And Gill was aware that, against her better judgement, she was falling for her hard. She had tried to keep a hold on the situation. She had tried to keep her feelings locked out of it right from the very start. In fact, for a long time she had shut off all pleasant emotions connected with Rachel Bailey, only allowing herself to feel annoyance or impatience or sometimes real anger towards her. Occasionally, the tiniest glimmer of pride had broken through her defences but she had shut it down as fast as she could. It was only when she fell headlong into a pit of disappointment and hurt at Rachel's behaviour towards that dick Nick Savage that real emotion had broken through on her. After that, she had been forced to face the fact that she really cared enough about Rachel to want to keep her on her team, enough to put her own neck on the line for her, enough to tell her. And things had gone from there, so that when Gill finally reached out to Rachel, and Rachel turned in her arms and kissed her, neither of them had been surprised. But feelings, once acknowledged even in the slightest, were hard to put back in their box. Now – now dammit, she was trying desperately not to admit to herself that she had fallen in love with her. Because that was what the problem was, Gill knew. She was stupid enough and crazy enough to fall in love again, and with Rachel bloody Bailey of all people. She hated it. It made her feel weak and scared and so fucking vulnerable and she hated that. Because she didn't trust Rachel. She wanted to. Oh God she wanted to. But she couldn't. She couldn't have trusted anyone probably, but... well... what did she have to keep Rachel wanting her? Bright, beautiful and wild – she could have anyone. Gill was realistic. She wasn't young, she wasn't beautiful, she didn't have any faith in good sex being enough to keep a person faithful, and surely Rachel would get tired of picking her brains one day. Move on. Yes, Rachel cared about her. Maybe she even loved her. Gill spat out a deprecating laugh. Not bloody likely, but it was possible. It didn't matter either. Dave had loved her and he had still cheated. It obviously wasn't enough. So Gill wasn't going to get too attached. She wasn't going to believe in the fairytale. She was going to keep her distance no matter how hard it was and how much it hurt to leave. Each time a little worse.

By the time she pulled into her driveway, the pre-dawn was beginning to glimmer over the moors. It was absolutely freezing. Gill's teeth chattered as she unlocked the door and tiptoed in. She didn't want Sammy to realise how late she was. She was still shivering as she buried herself under the duvet to get another hour or two of sleep, hopefully – if her phone didn't ring. Gill pictured Rachel as she had left her. She could still smell her on her own skin. If she tried hard enough she could almost imagine Rachel wrapped around her. A perfect of Rachel. One who would never betray her.

...

'Morning.' Janet smiled breezily at Rachel as she came into the toilets. Rachel was leaning against one of the sinks, staring at her reflection. Her eyes in the mirror flicked to follow Janet's reflection but otherwise she didn't move. 'Are you all right?'

'Yeah,' Rachel sighed. She dropped her head on her hands for a moment then looked up. 'I'm fine.'

'Ok.' Janet shut herself in a toilet but she wasn't going to let it drop. She called over the closed door, concern in her voice. 'Is everything ok with... you and her ladyship?' dropping into a stage whisper on the last two words. She couldn't see Rachel's face but she heard her slump over the sink again. Ahhh, thought so, Janet mused. Just a guess, just an instinct.

'What's happened?' It was complicated, having Rachel seeing Gill; she was friends with them both. She and Gill had been friends the longer, but she was closer to Rachel these days. Janet felt she could talk to Rach easier and she liked the way the younger woman would confide in her too. Although they had seen each other through some of their worst moments over the years, Janet felt that she and Gill often wouldn't tell each other about their problems until the last possible moment, to try and spare the other or something. She cared about her though. If Gill and Rachel were having problems then Janet was going to be very worried about them both.

'Rach?' she pressed her point, as Rachel's only answer was a sigh. 'Did something happen?'

'No it's not like that,' Rachel responded eventually. 'It's just...' she trailed off again. Right, thought Janet. She was going to have to get to the bottom of this. She left it until she was washing her hands and could watch Rachel's face in the mirror, read her expressions.

'So,' she prompted her with a sympathetic smile. Rachel didn't smile back. She looked deeply sad as she spoke.

'I think I'm going to finish with her.' Janet's eyes went wide.

'Why?'

'Because,' Rachel held her gaze, through the mirror, 'I don't think she loves me and it's not working. Most of the time, I feel like I'm her toy.'

'Rachel!' Janet was shocked. 'You do know she cares about you.' Janet looked at her friend incredulously. How had things got this bad?

'Does she?' Rachel's face was blank. She really doesn't believe it, Janet thought. Gill hadn't said anything, but Janet suspected that she actually cared very deeply for the dark-haired young detective. If Rachel couldn't see it though, there must be something very wrong. Janet took her time before speaking again. She turned around and hitched herself up to sit on the counter, leaned back against the glass.

'What's brought this on?' she asked, trying to fathom the situation. Rachel gave a momentous shrug, as if to say _everything. _Janet eyed her. Rachel should know she wasn't going to get away with that, not with her.

'One minute, she's all over me and it's wonderful and great and all that. Then the next, she's practically ignoring me, walking out.' Rachel trailed off again. She had spent the last part of the night, alone, working herself into a right state. She looked at Janet with tears in her eyes.

'I'm thirty-two. I want to be more than a good shag and a starry-eyed lackey. I want to be special to someone.'

'You are special.' Janet spoke softly but firmly. She looked at Rachel steadily until the other woman met her eyes. The tears spilled over as she did so. Janet felt her heart lurch. She forced herself to remain still. Rachel swiped at her face with the palm of her hand.

'Sorry.' She leaned in closer to Janet. 'I'm sorry.' Janet lifted a hand and pushed Rachel's hair back off her face. She held her hand against Rachel's cheek, still damp and sticky with tears. Rach really was a mess.

'You should talk to her.' Rachel went very still. She looked at Janet, hard in the eye. Janet felt her swallow, jaw working against the heel of her hand.

'Yeah.' Rachel's voice was serious. 'Yeah you're right.' Janet let her hand drop. Something had shifted. She blinked at Rachel, trying to work it out. Rachel sniffed deeply, wiped her eyes, more carefully this time, and managed a small smile.

'D'you fancy a night out? You and me. Get hammered. Tonight.'

'Okay,' Janet thought she ought to be wary, suggest that perhaps they not get too drunk on a work night. Then she noticed the eagerness in Rachel's expression, somewhat soggy and battered round the edges, but expectant and hopeful all the same. It was the brightest she had seen her eyes this morning and Janet couldn't refuse. 'Why not?' Rachel grinned suddenly. She reached out and grabbed Janet by the waist, making her jump.

'You and me pal. We are going to paint the town red.' Janet couldn't help laughing at her sudden levity. It also helped disguise the fluttering in her belly that had been sparked by Rachel's hands. She might have sounded a little high-pitched but she didn't think Rach would notice. That was something Janet would rather keep to herself at this stage. A night out would be good, help Rachel unwind, cheer her up; she clearly needed it. There was one thing though. Janet hopped down from the counter and leaned against it while Rachel dug in her bag for some make up. Just one thing, one more serious note that Janet needed to sound before they finished this conversation.

'You are going to talk to Gill, aren't you?' Rachel stilled, mascara half way to her eye.

'Yes,' she said seriously, 'I am.' Janet made a sympathy face. Poor Rach. Things were never simple.

...

_It ends when Gill walks out the door. Again. Again._

_It ends when Rachel blinks and misses the love hiding in her eyes._

_It begins when Janet raises her head._


	2. Chapter 2

"_who will I belong to when the day just won't give in?"_

_..._

_She's Gill's Rachel but she can't see, doesn't believe._

_She's Janet's Rachel and she is always there, always Rachel's Janet._

_She's Gill's Rachel but Gill can't give herself away._

_..._

'Hiya slap.' Gill looked up from her desk when she noticed a figure leaning in her office doorway. She eyed her friend over the top of her reading glasses, with a degree of confusion. 'What are you doing here?'

Julie tilted her head enigmatically. 'Just a bit of paperwork on that arson-murder case from last month.'

Gill frowned. 'What? Exactly.' She pulled off her glasses and folded them in her hands.

Julie raised her eyebrows a shadow and smirked. 'Oh y'know, just making sure that Kevin hadn't fed it to his hamster, or mistaken it for the electric bill or something. How is he anyway? I notice he's hiding from me.' Julie feigned to glance behind her at the general office. Gill wasn't in the least bit fooled.

'Maybe you should borrow him back again, save you having to wag your own tail, running round chasing up paperwork. Thought that was the underdog's job.'

'We-ell,' Julie pushed herself off the doorframe and reached over to swing the door shut. She lowered her voice as she stepped over to the desk. 'I was hoping to run into your Rachel Bailey while I was here. Give her the once over. You sounded quite smitten when you were babbling on about her last week.'

Gill's face froze. Damn Julie. Damn friendship. Damn wine and whisky and all forms of alcohol for that matter and damn damn damn her own runaway tongue. She gripped her glasses. Her voice, when she spoke was dangerously quiet. 'I thought I made it quite clear...'

'That it has nothing to do with work I know.' Julie interrupted her. 'Calm down, I haven't been shouting it round the nick. I didn't even let on to her that I knew anything.'

'You've talked to her?' Gill heard her voice rising as panic gripped her gullet. She turned the next word into a hiss, 'Julie!'

Julie Dodson leaned against the cupboards, her back to the office window, her eyebrows nearly going through her hairline. 'Keep your hair on woman.' She narrowed her eyes, taking in Gill's rapidly flickering eye focus and the way her hands were clenching and unclenching in a way that was seriously not good for her specs. 'You really are taken with her, aren't you?' Gill chose to ignore that question, which Julie naturally took as all the answer she needed. Gill tried to surreptitiously crane her neck to see if Rachel was at her desk so she missed the dark flash of worry that crossed her friend's face. No Rachel. What was she supposed to be working on this morning?

'So...' Julie recalled her attention, 'tell me about her then. Rachel Bailey.'

Gill suddenly bridled. She was making a fool of herself, even if it was only in front of Julie. She fixed her glasses back on her face and turned to the computer, trying to reassert control.

'Eh, you can keep your hands off her, she's mine.' There was just a hint of genuine warning in her tone Gill knew her friend and she had no doubt that Julie could pull Rachel if she wanted to, if she tried. She had that same kind of charisma, sex appeal, magnetism, whatever it was, as Dave did. When she turned it on, people had a habit of rolling over and jumping into bed with her first, and asking questions later. Still, Gill trusted, she hoped, that her best friend wouldn't do that to her. She watched her closely though for any signs of that sort of interest. Trust did not come easy.

Julie stepped forward, leaning over the edge of the desk so she could drop her voice and shielding Gill with her body, meaning there was no risk of their being overheard or of anyone outside reading their boss's expression. Julie had a feeling that what she was about to say was going to hit Gill hard and she wanted to protect her as much as possible. Honesty and friendship meant that she couldn't just leave it alone. She took a deep breath and spoke on the exhale.

'That's not what she told me.' She stayed leaning forward, watching Gill's expression go blank and far away.

Sad.

Just sad.

Deep black sadness welling up inside her. That was what she felt. Gill couldn't even think until the feeling rose up from her stomach, through her chest and her throat to her head. Her eyes burned but she didn't feel like crying. Then her brain kicked in again.

'Well, she wouldn't,' she said quickly, turning back to her computer although she couldn't even focus on the screen. ' We're keeping it private. She doesn't know you know.' Gill clicked on something at random, hit a few keys. Was it common sense or denial?

Julie straightened to look down at her friend. 'Ok.' Her voice lightened. 'That's ok then.' Gill thought she could tell that it was part of her SIO act. 'I'd better head.' As she opened the door, she looked back. Gill was still pretending to work.

'Give us a ring if you need anything,' Julie said, her words heavy with meaning. But she left, closing the door, thank God. Gill tore her glasses from her face again and dropped them on the desk. Her eyes wandered to the direction of Rachel's desk. She couldn't see it from her seat but when Rachel was there she could see her head. At the moment there was just empty space. Rachel was out. Gill kept her face very still out of long years of habit, not letting her emotions show, knowing she was on view, but anyone who knew her could have seen the sadness heavy in her eyes, the way her jaw trembled almost imperceptibly. Anyone who cared could have read the emptiness in her expression. But there was nobody there to see. Gill turned her head away from the outer office. She wanted to dismiss everything Julie had said. She wanted to so badly. But was she just burying her head in the sand all over again? Julie was her best mate – she wouldn't make stuff up, she was only looking out for Gill. And she was a cracking good detective. If she had picked up a vibe off Rachel then there must be a reason. But then, shouldn't she trust Rachel? Julie hadn't said anything concrete. If she knew something specific then she would have said. Maybe Rachel had been off with her for some other reason, maybe she had resented someone prying into her personal life. Rachel didn't know Julie, after all. God she hoped it was just that. Gill made a mental note to talk to Rachel first chance she got, see if she could figure it out. For now though, she picked up her glasses again, she had work to do.

...

'So she says to me, you're not gonna believe this, I want it in Mongolian. I'm like, what? She wants it translated, reckons she can't read English or something. I'm like, who do you think we are, telesales? You're taking the piss out of the wrong people pal.'

Janet giggled at Rachel's face of outraged incredulity. Rachel had thrown her arms out to emphassis her point, very nearly knocking over her wine glass. They were sat in a pub a million miles away from The Grapes, their usual hideout opposite Oldham police station. At least, that's what it felt like. The place was cosy but modern, with a livelier crowd, better lighting and background music. It felt friendly but they didn't know a single other person in there. Janet nodded thoughtfully as she steadied Rachel's glass and topped up both it and her own.

'That's a good one. I once had a fella who spent three days insisting he was his own twin brother.'

'Yeah? Did he have a twin?'

'No. Only child. I had to show him the hospital records of his birth before he gave it up. You should have seen his face.' Janet grinned at the recollection. She did enjoy being right. And proving it.

Rachel shook her head and slurped at her wine. She picked up the bottle and eyed it critically. Then she shook it leaned in for a closer look. 'It's empty!' she exclaimed. 'You wanna get another?'

Janet paused for maybe half a second before she replied. That was their second empty bottle. It was gone eleven already. They had work in the morning. 'Yeah' she grinned. The deal had been a night out to get pissed, after all. And if she had wanted to be good she should have stopped a long time ago. Two bottles was already well over the line, might as well keep going. It was nice too. Fun. Janet watched Rachel weaving her way to the bar. And nice to spend time with Rach away from work. She hadn't seen as much of her lately, what with Rachel spending so much time with Gill. Janet had stopped calling them in the evenings in case she was interrupting their time together. Her cheeks burned suddenly hot as the thought of what she might be interrupting flashed into her mind uninvited. She must be pissed. Janet shook her head then blinked hard as dizziness followed. When her eyes focused again, there was Rachel waving a bottle of wine and wearing an expression of delight that made Janet's heart skip. She grabbed her glass and emptied it, trying to drown the feeling. Rachel raised her eyebrows almost up into her hairline.

'Janet Scott, you are letting your hair down tonight!'

Janet laughed, feeling the wine tingle in her mouth and all through her veins. It felt good. Rachel sat down opposite her again and refilled her glass. Again. 'Did you talk to Gill?' Janet asked without warning. She even slightly surprised herself. Rachel's face dropped.

'No,' she sighed. 'We were so late back from searching for that idiot this evening and then she was out at that new crime scene in Langley. I didn't get a chance.' Rachel took a large gulp of wine.

'Oh yeah.' They hadn't got the details on the new one they'd picked up yet. It must be big if Gill had been called out at nine in the evening, but she hadn't been there to brief them and Andy had said the message was to go on home and be in early. Gill would tell them all about it then. Well, this wasn't exactly going home but it was probably better than lying in bed tossing and turning. She looked up and caught Rachel's eye; a smile grew between them, one of those nonsensical tipsy smiles that sent warmth flowing through Janet. Much better. She raised her glass and clinked it to Rachel's.

Things got distinctly fuzzier during that third bottle of wine. Rachel got involved in telling her some long and complicated story that was supposed to be something to do with the case they had been working last week... or was it the week before? Janet lost track. Mostly all she could do was nod and smile, which developed into giggles as Rachel got more and more annoyed that she was blatantly not following. By the end of it, Janet was doubled over gasping and turning red whilst trying to defend herself from Rachel's playful attempts to slap her round the head.

'Oh ow Rach st... ow stop it!'

'Janet! You're laughing at my brilliant theory. You deserve a smack. This is genius. If' I'd thought of this last week...'

'The whole team would have been laughing at you,' Janet wheezed and promptly went off into another fit of suppressed giggles at Rachel's face.

'Seriously,' she protested, the effect slightly marred as she slurred the word badly, 'in the morning I'm gonna go in and tell the boss, tell Gill... and she'll...' Rachel ground to a halt as tears filled her eyes. Janet stopped laughing faster than you could have flicked a switch. Rachel's face looked so empty she couldn't bear it. She reached out a hand across the table. Rachel grabbed it and clung on so hard that Janet had to work not to flinch.

'I just wish she loved me.' The words were ground out and Janet could see the effort it cost her friend to admit that.

'Oh Rachel.' She leaned closer, reaching her other hand across to pat the younger woman on the cheek. How could Gill not love her, not care for her, look out for her? Couldn't she see that behind that tough front there was a very vulnerable little... Rachel? Janet realised that she was staring into Rachel's eyes, all soft and sympathetic as she was, and that Rachel was staring back now, a little surprised look on her face. Janet felt her breathing quicken and had a ridiculous urge to lick her lips that she wasn't quite sure she was sober enough to control.

'Let's erm...' it came out in a whisper and she hurriedly cleared her throat. 'Another bottle, I think,' she managed. Rachel nodded.

'Whisky' she exclaimed as Janet stood up.

'What?' Janet had a feeling she wasn't keeping up.

'I want whisky,' Rachel clarified, her eyes as wide and her tone as demanding as a child. Janet could only nod.

She came back with two whiskies each, thinking it would save a walk. Her legs were really quite unsteady for some reason. She found Rachel had switched moods again and was now grinning like the Cheshire cat. She grabbed a tumbler as soon as Janet had deposited them on the table and held it aloft.

'Cheers pal!' They clinked glasses, Janet catching Rachel's infectious smile, and both swallowing the golden liquid faster than they really ought. Rachel scooted her chair round close to Janet's when she sat down. She leaned against her and Janet found herself with an arm around the younger woman.

'Jan, what would I do without you?' Rachel snuggled closer and Janet found herself enveloped in the smell of her shampoo, perfume and Rachelness. Her heartbeat quickened and she flushed but it was too nice to stop. She stroked Rachel's hair. It was so long and dark and shiny – she'd always wanted to touch it but never had. Now it seemed like the obvious thing to do. Rachel hummed against her shoulder, obviously enjoying the sensation. Janet's heart glowed, maybe it was the whisky, maybe not. It was just so easy to make Rachel happy. It came so naturally. How could she not?

'More whisky,' Rachel mumbled and sat up. Her eyes roamed the table and fell on the two untouched glasses. Delighted surprise lit up her whole face. 'Oh look. There's some.' She picked them both up and made a minor ceremony of handing one to Janet.

'You're drink, madame.' When she had a hand free, she pointed her forefinger at Janet and raised one eyebrow. 'You did this, didn't you?'

Janet smirked. She tried to look enigmatic.

'You're a bloody genius pal.' Rachel saluted her with her glass and knocked the whole lot back in one. 'Let's go.' She grabbed Janet's hand, tugging her to her feet. Left with very little choice, Janet downed her own drink and grabbed for her bag and coat.

.

They staggered out of the pub, clinging to each other.

'Do you want to come back to my house?' Janet asked. Rachel arched her eyebrows and Janet felt her heart skip. 'Nobody's home.'

'Ok pal.' Rachel very determinedly linked her arm through Janet's and they both promptly nearly fell over a step.

'Careful.' Rachel addressed Janet seriously, then she turned to the step and pointed at it. 'Oi watch it you.' Janet giggled. She felt young. She felt light. She felt excited. She was incredibly aware of everything Rachel did – the way she leaned against her, the brush of her hair against her cheek as she turned her head, the touch of skin as she moved her hand, the way she was breathing. Janet felt excitement building through her body with every step. She was sure they were on the same page. When they paused outside a cab and their eyes met, Janet knew she was going to kiss Rachel, very very soon. She let her gaze take in all of Rachel's face. Beautiful. And loving and pained and nervous and wanting all at the same time. Wonderful Rach. Janet wanted to wrap her up in her arms so tight. How long had she wanted this? Too long, she decided as her eyes fastened on Rachel's lips. Too long to wait.

'Let's...' it came out as a whisper again but this time she was happy with that. She leaned closer, breathing in Rachel's ear. 'Let's...' Then her mouth found Rachel's almost with a will of its own and they were kissing hard. Arms wrapping round bodies that were bulky with coats, lips parting, tongues pushing, breathing forgotten. It was some seconds before Janet finished her sentence in a gasp. 'Let's go back to mine.'

They tried to behave in the taxi, sitting in an agony of suspense, intensified by little touches and significant looks. When they got back to the house, Rachel pressed up close behind Janet as she unlocked the door with exaggerated care. Once it closed behind them they were lost. They kissed in the hall, dropping bags and kicking off shoes, then Janet led Rachel up the stairs, still grappling with coats. They stopped on the landing again, too caught up in each other to be parted for more than a few seconds. Janet pushed Rachel ahead of her towards the bedroom, both pulling off layers as they went. She felt dizzy and desperate. If she didn't touch Rachel, now this moment, feel her, hold her, closer closer tighter, she didn't know what she would do. After that, everything was hot and close and skin and kisses and touches and tastes, pulse pounding the rhythm _I love you I love you I love you_, all hotter and closer and more and more and more breathless.

...

Rachel was warm and sleepy. Everything was warm and soft. A warm soft body heavy against her, arms and legs entwined, breathing rhythmically together. Rachel felt safe. It took a few seconds for that realisation to sink in and during those seconds she breathed deeply the smell of the warm bed, slow and sleepy. Then, the very strangeness of the feeling disturbed her. She blinked, her brain sluggish from alcohol and sex and comfort. Something wasn't right. She shifted uneasily.

A warm soft arm slid around her waist, gripped her tighter.

'You can stay, you know.' Janet's voice, husky with sleep and sweet with affection. Her hand stroked randomly over Rachel's skin. 'It's ok.'

Rachel froze. _Stay. _The one thing Gill wouldn't give her. She felt like she had just walked into a stone wall. It was all she wanted, all she had been asking for. So why was guilt boiling up in her stomach like acid? Rachel felt sick. Faithfulness. The one thing above all else that Gill needed from her. And she had just broken that. She really really felt sick. She pushed herself out of the bed, struggling away from the covers and Janet's arms, cast wildly around the room then shot out the bedroom door, headed for the bathroom. Her head spun and she saw stars. Thank God she knew where she was going. Rachel bent over the toilet and retched helplessly. If she could only vomit this guilt out of her, if she could undo the last few hours. It was no good. She started to shiver, kneeling on the tiled floor naked.

'Rach?' Janet's voice from the doorway, all concern. Rachel couldn't look at her. The bile rose up again. She was going to hurt Jan too. What was wrong with her? Anger and frustration threatened to overwhelm her. Tears welled up in her eyes and she banged her head against the toilet seat. No. There was no way she was allowed to feel sorry for herself. Janet's hand on her shoulder stopped her.

'Rachel don't do that. What's the matter?'

Rachel swallowed hard three times before she managed to turn her head and look at Janet.

'Gill.' Her voice cracked on the word. Rachel searched Janet's face for a magic answer and saw that her guilt was powerful enough to be infectious. She looked down again.

'I'm sorry. It's not your fault. I'm sorry Jan.' Janet put out a hand again and rubbed her shoulder and Rachel knew she had to get out of there. She pushed herself up and staggered back to the bedroom, began searching for her clothes. Janet followed.

'Rachel, you don't have to go. We can talk about this. You can stay and just sleep it off if you like.'

Rachel froze again at the word stay and she swayed on the spot. It was a knife going through her. She snatched up her top and began grappling her way into it.

'Can you call me a taxi?' she muttered.

'Rach, I'm worried...' Janet tried again.

'Please.' Rachel looked at her, dead in the face. 'Please Janet.'

Janet nodded. Rachel was hurting her acting like this, she could see, even though Jan was good at hiding it. But she couldn't help herself. There was nothing better to do, no way to make it right. She wanted to run, as hard and fast and far as she could, only she knew she was in no fit state. She just desperately needed to get out of there.

.

The first thing Rachel did when she got home was grab the whisky and waiting tumbler. She was still shaking; the bottle neck rattled dangerously against the glass. She knocked it straight back, put the glass down and carried the bottle through to the sofa. She collapsed onto the cushions, stared blankly at the wall opposite. Gradually, the shaking grew worse and worse until she was sobbing, curling over into herself, falling sideways. Shit shit shit. She was a total and utter shit. To do that. To Gill. When she knew about her past, with Dave that scumbag. But Rachel was no better than him. Worse maybe, as she had shagged one of Gill's best and oldest friends. Even Dave had never sunk that low. She groped for the bottle of whisky again, gulping it down until she choked on the fiery taste. Anything to shut up the voice in her head. She had to do something. She had to confess. Gill should know at once what an awful person she was. Everybody ought to know, they ought to be warned, so they wouldn't like her, wouldn't trust her, wouldn't be nice to her ever again. She didn't deserve it. The thought that Gill could, unwittingly, be saying something nice about her, at that very moment made her stomach turn.

Rachel pushed herself upright, unsteadily. She groped about the coffee table for her phone, before remembering that it was probably in her coat pocket. Coat. On the back of the sofa, that was lucky. Phone. Gill. Call. It rang – once, twice, three times; Rachel almost hung up; four ti...

'Hiya kid.' Pleasure, concern, impatience, anticipation. How could a person fit so much into two little words. Rachel burst into tears again and, though she tried to stifle them, she knew at once that Gill had heard.

'What?' Concern and confusion now. This was it. She wanted to confess. For a moment, Rachel literally could not speak. The words gagged her.

'I can't do this.' Any of it, Rachel thought. I can't tell you. I can't see you. I can't lie to you. I can't hurt you. I can't carry on pretending everything is ok when we have been falling apart since we started. She hardly heard Gill's response or the edge of pain in her voice that should have told her that Gill knew already. Something was wrong. Rachel gaped silently, trying to force herself to speak. Nothing came out. She took another shuddering breath and finally coughed up the words that were choking her.

'I'm shagging her.'

Rachel stuffed her hand in her mouth and stared at the phone in horror. She wanted to disbelieve her ears but she couldn't. Why those exact words? That wasn't what she had meant to say. That was more than she had ever meant to confess. End Call. End Call. She hit it about five times. Rachel bit down hard on her hand. Because she knew why, really, why those words. Not just: I shagged someone, or I cheated on you, or it's over, something general like that. I'm shagging her. Present tense. Continuous. Rachel closed her eyes and her mind filled with Janet. Her softness and weight, her breath and taste, her hair and smell, her patience and care, her words, her comfort, her constancy, her friendship. Rachel would have given a lot to take back those words but she knew they were her at her most brutally honest. Because she wanted to do it again.

...

_And when it's dark and it is dawn she will be nobody's and nobody will want her, she knows._


	3. Chapter 3

**I would say I'm sorry for all the pain... but I had way too much fun writing this! I hope everyone's reactions here make sense, even if they are a bit, ok a lot, emotional. I promise I will try and make them sit down and talk to each other like adults at some point. I'll try anyway. Can't promise they will!**

* * *

"_I'm only human"_

_..._

_I can hurt. _

_I can cry._

_I can lie._

_I can change my mind._

_..._

'Who?' Gill couldn't help asking. It sounded ridiculous but she wanted to know the worst at once. Who? It was hardly the issue but it hadn't sunk in yet, didn't feel real. She couldn't feel. Gill turned her back a bit further on the room and lowered her voice.

'Rachel?' There was a muffled sound that she couldn't identify. Tears? The phone being covered with a hand? Or dropped? Then the dial tone.

'DCI Murray?' A voice from the table behind her. Gill squared her shoulders. Now was not the time to start thinking, or feeling.

'Gill?' It was the Chief Con. Concern. How nice. She swallowed, fixed her face into a bright but serious expression and spun sharply on the spot.

'Sorry sir. Where was I?'

'Is everything all right?' Damn people and their questions. Gill nodded.

'Fine. Thank you sir.' She grabbed her notes and launched in again, the picture of self-possession.

'So on the face of it, it looks like carbon monoxide poisoning or some such but we're still waiting on the full PM results. We are checking all possible sources in the house in the meantime.'

.

It was a big case. A whole family – mother, father, three kids – found dead in their beds in a pretty upmarket area. Nice house, all mod cons. It looked like suffocation from some kind of atmospheric poisoning. Carbon monoxide was the first assumption but there was a lot they didn't know yet. It was definitely being treated as suspicious. Gill had got the call for her syndicate to pick it up just before most of them were leaving for the night. Nothing they could do by then, it was up to her to get the ball rolling, go down to the scene, establish what they knew so far. It was such a big case, liable to attract a lot of media attention, that she was called into a special meeting even before she'd even had time to get to the post-mortem. People died all the time in horrible circumstances but when it was a nice middle-class family, especially if there were a couple of clean cute kids, it was officially a tragedy. As far as Gill was concerned, her aim was exactly the same, whoever the victim was. She was savvy though and knew how to play the game, couldn't have got where she was otherwise. Media and internal politics were on the periphery of her priorities but she knew how to play them to help her do her job better. It was very late when Rachel's phonecall interrupted her and later still by the time she escaped. She still had to drive over to the mortuary and see what the pathologist had to tell her so far. And then she would have to pull together all the information they had ready to present to her team first thing, plan the actions she was going to assign to them, and somehow squeeze in time for a wash and brush up before they started coming in. So Gill waved a falsely cheery goodbye to her colleagues and drove off from the station. She was so intent on preserving her "work face" that it wasn't until a red light caught her out at the last minute that any emotion broke through her veneer.

'Bastard!' She thumped the steering wheel. Tears suddenly smarted in her eyes. Who? It was no good. She was going to have to deal with this before she caused an accident. Gill pulled into the first car park she passed and drove to the furthest, darkest corner, parked facing a blank brick wall. Who? She remembered her own question – so stupid. She smacked the steering wheel again and felt hot tears spill down her cheeks. _I'm shagging her_. Rachel.

'I knew it. I knew it.' But her words felt hollow. She pressed her hands to her eyes, trying to stop the tears. 'I'm not going to cry for you, you little bitch,' she muttered through the tears that would not stop. It was Rachel who had first called her Godzilla but Gill knew that numerous colleagues over the years had thought her hard, tough, heartless at times. She never let them see her like this, or anything even remotely resembling this level of emotional. It was a front, a bloody good front and it had got her through a lot. But did they all really believe that was all she was? She thought Rachel at least knew her better by now. Obviously not if she expected to tell her something like that over the phone and for Gill to just be ok with it. Was that what Rachel had been thinking? Of maybe she just didn't care. Maybe she didn't give a damn how Gill felt about it all, didn't care if she did hurt her. Or then again, Rachel had been seriously pissed, judging by the sound of her voice, so God knows! Gill sniffed hard. It was possible Rachel hadn't even meant what she had said, but Gill didn't think it was likely. No sense deluding herself. She had heard the words from the woman's own mouth.

'Stop it you silly cow,' she told herself. 'It's not like it's any big surprise. You should be getting used to this by now.' Gill balled her fists, dug her nails into her palms in an attempt to steady herself against the wave of self-pity that threatened to choke her. She continued her lecture to herself. 'And it's not like you're truly, madly, deeply in love with her.' Her voice gave on the word _love_, reducing it to a hoarse croak and by the time she mouthed _her _she was shaking with sobs. Why did she have to care? Why did she have to feel? If she could just go through life like the Godzilla bitch they all thought she was, maybe having a quick shag here or there without getting attached, then she wouldn't have to fucking hurt so fucking much.

'God dammit woman!' She was still plagued by that question. Who? She kept seeing Rachel in bed, the way they were together, but with someone else. Some other nameless, faceless woman. She wanted to throw things, to break things, to stamp her feet and scream at someone, at Rachel. Trapped as she was in the car alone, she was reduced to hitting out at everything in reach. She wrestled with her seatbelt too, nearly busting the catch trying to get it undone, then she stormed out of the car. Gill paced to the far side of the car park and back – furiously at first, then slower and slower. She knew she had to calm down and do it quick. No matter how awful she felt, she had to get back to work. The cold night air helped, freezing her throat and deep into her lungs as her breath heaved. The tears dried stiff on her face. By the time she reached the car again she felt steadier.

Gill Murray buckled herself back into the driver's seat and re-adjusted her mirrors, carefully avoiding her reflection. She would do her make up when she got there. Her hands still shook too much right now. She drove off carefully, no screeching tyres or revving engine. By the time she reached the mortuary she was going to be perfectly under control. And she had twenty minutes' drive to get herself into that condition. Outside things first – the driving, the way she moved and held herself. The tears stopped, breathing slow and regular. Thoughts of Rachel were the hardest thing. She had to block them out. Turn them off. But it wasn't working. Everywhere she looked she saw Rachel superimposed over the streets, cars, shut up shops, houses, road signs. Rachel crying. Rachel smiling at her. Rachel naked. _I'm shagging her. _How long had it been going on? Rachel watching her from bed last night. Then? Before? Rachel at her desk. Rachel in the car beside her. Gill wanted to scream. She could feel her emotions building up again and fought desperately against them. How dare Rachel phone her at work and throw her into this state? How dare she have this effect on her! Anger was overwhelming the pain now. Good. Gill gritted her teeth. Anger she could deal with.

By the time she parked the car in the mortuary car park, Gill had herself tightly locked down. She re-did her make-up in the rear view mirror, refusing to meet her own eyes or acknowledge the slight tremor that lingered in her hands. She walked into the building with her mind almost entirely on the case again. Only one extraneous thought nestled in the back of her mind, giving her bitter anger something to cling to, stopping it breaking out: she would deal with Rachel Bailey in the morning.

...

Rachel woke with the first stab of sunlight. Oh she felt awful. She shoved her face into her pillow, groaning, and tried to remember any reason why she felt this shit. She was in bed. So far so good. She was in her own bed. Obviously, she had got pissed last night. She had forgotten to close the curtains but just being in her own bed was a good sign. Rachel's head pulsed. What the hell had she got up to? Very slowly, she rolled over onto her back and opened her eyes. The greyish watery sunlight blinded her and she squeezed them shut again. There must have been whisky involved somewhere along the line. Cautiously, she opened her eyes again. After a few slow blinks, the ceiling stayed put. She ran her tongue around her dry mouth. God that tasted bad. She must have thrown up at some point. Nice. An image of Janet stroking her hair back as she heaved over a toilet crept into her mind. Trust Janet to look after her. Rachel would have to remember to apologise when she saw her later.

When? The thought was like swallowing an ice cube. Shit, what time was it? She rolled over and groped wildly for her phone in its usual place on the bedside cabinet. Her eyes refused to focus for a moment and she cursed herself. She was such a twat for getting that shit-faced on a work night. Finally, she clocked the time. Early still. Very early. Relief swilled through her. The last thing she needed was to swan into work late, stinking like a brewery and have Gill getting pissy with her. Gill. Rachel's brain snagged on something: some shard of memory half-buried in alcohol. What was it? Rachel looked around the room. No sign that Gill had been there – not that she ever left anything, but the second pillow was unsquashed and only half the bed looked lain in. Rachel had obviously crawled in and completely collapsed, probably hadn't even turned over. Mind you, she couldn't have been there all that long, given the time. So what was it?

Rachel leaned back against the headboard. Something was wrong. She could feel it. She knew she had done something she regretted, she just couldn't remember what. She sighed. Urghh she stank. Rachel wrinkled her nose and looked down at herself. Still half-dressed. Never mind smelling like a brewery, she smelt far worse. More like some of the seedy bars she had raided when she worked in the sex crimes unit. Stale booze yes, and vomit, sweat and sex. Rachel went very still as the gears in her brain ground together and she slowly, oh so slowly, began to piece it together.

If Gill hadn't been here, why did she smell of sex?

Why was her shirt buttoned up wrong and, now that she thought about it, why was she wearing a shirt and trousers but no underwear?

When she pictured Janet stroking her hair back, why did she have no clothes on?

Rachel gritted her teeth, her eyes went wide then she slammed them shut again. Why why why, when she thought about sex, was it Janet's face she saw close to her own, their breath mingling, an indescribable expression... Red heat swept down through Rachel, immediately followed by paralysing cold. She had shagged Janet.

Her mouth opened and her brain stopped.

She let out a breath then caught it in exactly the same position. Gaping. She bit her lip, trying to kick start a thought-process but all she could do was gasp again and freeze open-mouthed, stare blankly at the wall.

What the hell was she going to do? What the hell was she going to tell Gill?

Gill.

Tell Gill?

_No no no no no. _Rachel banged her head back against the wall again and again. She remembered. She remembered it all now. The phonecall. _No. Oh no._

Nothing could undo it now. And there was nothing she could think of, no way out. Tears welled up in her eyes as she thought of the pain she must have caused Gill. Rachel felt sick again. But she couldn't undo it. The only thing she could do was wait and see what happened. She sat where she was, letting the memories trickle back, feeling the guilt swell into a heavy ball in her stomach. How had she let this happen? So things had been falling apart between her and Gill, yes, but she had never meant to do this to her. She hadn't even thought about Janet like that. Rachel closed her eyes. She kept trying to block out images of Janet, stop thoughts of her. It was too much at the minute. She had to concentrate on Gill first, find out what was going on there, try somehow, God knew how, to sort things out with her. After that, she would see Janet and... well... But for now, all she could manage was to sit and wait, running over possible conversations in her head, excuses, reasonings, lies. She wasn't at all surprised when her phone rang half an hour later and it was Gill.

'I need to talk to you.' Any lingering hope Rachel had had that she had imagined what she had said on the phone last night died. Gill's voice knotted the guilt inside her. She found herself blinking back tears again. She didn't have the right to cry.

.

When Rachel walked into Gill's office at just six o'clock she was terrified, but to an outside eye she looked more like a stroppy teenager. She felt like she had guilt stamped all over her and she had no idea how to hide it. But hide it she was determined to do. What she wanted, more than anything, was to run far far away, to hide and refuse to answer questions, for someone to wave a magic wand and for it all to go away. She wanted to hide in Janet's arms and have the grown ups sort it out over her head. That, obviously, was out of the question. Especially that last thought. It was hard to realise it sometimes, but Rachel technically was one of the grown ups and she had to face her own problems, deal with them as best she could. Even if that best was totally shit. Even if it meant lying and cheating and burying her head in the sand. Even if it made her sick with disgust at herself. She felt cornered. Gill looked as cool and hard as an ice queen. Now there was a grown up. There was someone who knew how to handle problems. Rachel wondered again what her boss had ever seen in her. Probably just desperate for a shag.

'I've had a phonecall,' Gill breezed with a razor edge to her tone, shutting the door.

Rachel was too strung up to read her closely enough to see the signs of her true feelings. The bloodshot eyes and heavy make-up, the fine tight lines around her mouth, the tension in her back.

'Does that mean anything to you?' Gill challenged her. Rachel looked stonily blank.

'I err... got a bit pissed last night. Did I ring you at a bad time?'

'Yes. Actually.' Gill bit the words off. 'How pissed?'

Rachel looked at the floor. She used to be better than this at lying. It used to be easy.

'Well... err...' she twisted her mouth and got a grip. 'I don't really remember.'

Gill's eyes were boring into her. Rachel could feel them. She didn't dare look up. 'Pissed enough to do something stupid?'

Rachel's head snapped upright in spite of herself. The tiniest tremor in Gill's voice, had she imagined it?

'What I couldn't fathom, Rachel, was how the hell we went wrong?' Rachel looked away again, lifting her chin. She had to grit her teeth and bite her cheek to keep back the tears that threatened. There were so many answers to that question. She didn't even know where to start and she would not, could not break down now. Rachel's only defence was to turn her pain and guilt into resentment, if only to get through this interview.. Did it matter, she wondered, did it matter to Gill? For a moment there she had sounded as if she did feel something. But if it did matter, then surely she would have noticed before this that they had gone wrong some time ago. Maybe from the very start, Rachel thought.

'Because,' Gill's voice jerked Rachel back into the present. 'You told me something that I would consider very stupid.' She was all ice again now. Rachel decided she must have imagined the emotional moment. Pride. That's what this was about. Gill's wounded pride as much as anything, Rachel could hear it in her voice. And she was exorcising it by making Rachel feel like a four-year-old who'd pissed her knickers in Assembly. How had Rachel even _dreamed_ Gill cared about _her_?

'What?' Rachel locked her jaw, feigning defiant ignorance.

'You told me,' Gill dropped her voice. 'You said to me, "I'm shagging her." Does that phrase mean anything to you?' Her sarcasm was biting. Rachel looked sideways and missed the way Gill bit her lip at the end of her question.

'No.' Rachel said outright. She took a breath. All or nothing. She had to get out of this. 'Look, I don't know what I said. I was pissed out of my head, sitting at home, on my own. I was talking shit half the night to the furniture probably. I didn't even remember I'd rung you when I woke up.' Well, that much was true. 'So, whatever I said, it was bollocks.' She held her breath when she finished speaking, waiting for the explosion.

Gill gave Rachel her most penetrating glare – the one that made hardened criminals curl up and die practically. 'If I find out, at any time in the future that you have lied to me, you will walk through that door for the last time.'

Rachel's mouth fell open. 'Gill...' Gill's glare checked her. 'Boss...'

'I can't work with someone I can't trust Rachel.'

Rachel opened her mouth, speaking without thinking, 'I swear...' her protests sounded pathetic even to her own ears. Gill cut her off.

'I can't be with someone I can't trust and I certainly cannot work with some I can't trust. Not any more.' She held Rachel's gaze and for a split second suspended in time Rachel saw the pain in Gill's eyes, the betrayal, the doubt. Rachel shook her head fractionally, desperately. She couldn't be doing this. She couldn't mean it. She knew, she knew that this job was Rachel's life, her dream, her world. Losing it would destroy her.

Gill opened the door and jerked her head. Go. Her mind frozen in shock, Rachel simply obeyed.

...

Janet was doing her make-up in the toilets when Rachel walked in. She couldn't help smiling when she looked up and realised who it was, though her smile turned to concern almost immediately.

'Rachel what's happened?' Janet dropped her lipstick and reached out to her friend, steadying her and guiding her over to lean against the counter.

'You're shaking. Do you need to sit down?' Janet's forehead was creased and her eyes were huge with alarm.

'No.' Rachel sounded almost desperate. 'Just...' she clung to Janet's hand. Janet watched and waited. She had been worrying almost constantly ever since Rachel had run out of her front door in the middle of the night. You never knew with Rach, what she might take it into her head to do. Janet hadn't got much sleep. She had tried, lying down in the dark. But her bed smelt of Rachel and every time she had closed her eyes for more than ten seconds she had started to remember, which started off lovely and wonderful and all that, but then she had remembered Rachel shooting out of bed and running off and the worry had taken over again. Where was she? Was she ok? What was she going to do? Was she punishing herself? Was she going to blame Janet? What was she going to tell Gill? In fact, Janet had hardly slept at all. The fuss with the make-up was to try to cover up that fact. It was a relief to see Rachel was all in one piece, but her behaviour was deeply troubling. She didn't seem to have calmed down at all since Janet had last seen her. Janet reached out and smoothed Rachel's hair back, leaving her hand against her cheek. She waited until Rachel's eyes focused on her own before she spoke.

'Rachel it's ok. You can talk to me. Whatever you've done, whatever you think you've done, it'll be ok, we'll sort it.'

Rachel looked at her for a long moment, then she nodded. She closed her eyes and leaned her head into Janet's hand. 'I'm sorry,' she groaned. 'I'm so sorry Janet.'

'Don't.' Janet took Rachel's chin in her hand and waited till she had eye contact again.

'Don't be sorry, ok? Because what we did last night, we both did. And I wanted it every bit as much as you did, maybe more.' She was deadly serious, aware that if she didn't get this through to Rachel now she might lose her chance. She knew she was putting herself on the line here, but it was Rachel, Janet reminded herself. She was worth it. Whatever happened, Janet trusted that Rachel would still be her friend, just as surely as she knew she would be Rachel's best friend. But, if there was a chance of something more, that last night wouldn't be a one night shag, she wanted to make sure that Rachel had a clue how she felt.

Rachel seemed to take strength from Janet's words. She squeezed the hand that she still held in her own and struggled with a shaky smile. 'Ok pal.'

'Good,' Janet said with more solid emphasis than she felt. Her knees gave a surprising lurch of relief. She put extra emphasis into her words to cover up her weakness, 'Now, what's happened?'

Rachel stood up and paced to the end of the toilets. She turned. 'Gill.'

'Have you seen her?' Janet was very surprised at Rachel taking the initiative. There was something off. Rachel started to twist her hands.

'I phoned her, last night, after I left yours.' Janet felt cold water swirl through her stomach. Rachel continued to blather out her explanation.

'I was pissed. I said... something about shagging someone. I didn't say it was you. Then she calls me in first thing, wipes the floor with me. I told her it was all bullshit, the drink talking. But she knows. She's put two and two together Jan and she knows I'm lying to her. She said...' Rachel choked off her tale and pressed her hands to her mouth, all colour draining from her face.

'She can't know.' Janet insisted. 'If you didn't tell her anything specific. You always talk shit when you're pissed. She can't. Not for sure.' Janet crossed her arms over her chest, hugging the guilt inside her. In some ways, it was worse – what she had done – than what Rachel had done. She had not had time to decide fully how she felt about her betrayal of Gill's trust yet. Well, she felt shit. But other feelings were more immediate. And it didn't matter how she felt. It was more important to protect Gill and sort Rachel out, if she could. Confessing wouldn't do anyone any good and doing it just to relieve her own feelings would only be selfish.

Rachel finally managed to speak again, her voice low and raw.

'She said... if it's true, if she finds out... she'll have me off the MIT. That's it.'

'Oh Rachel.' Now Janet understood. And what could she do? Try to offer reassurance, even if it was hopelessly unfounded. 'She can't know.'

'Of course not.' Rachel sounded desperate again. 'Would I be stood here if she did? She'd have legged me by now. I'd probably be lying in a ditch somewhere.'

Janet touched her arm, just a light touch but it was enough to steady Rachel.

'I'm sorry Jan. I shouldn't have dragged you into this.'

Hey, I'm your best friend.' Janet rubbed her hand up Rachel's arm comfortingly. 'I'm here. I was involved anyway, even before we,' she widened her eyes meaningfully, 'you know.'

Rachel lifted her shoulders nearly to her ears and heaved a weighty breath. 'I know. Thanks Janet.'

Janet felt a warm glow that spread quickly up into a smile – not too much of a smile, she didn't want to seem heartless, but she couldn't help it. Rachel trusted her. After last night she could have easily decided to hate Janet for her involvement, or she could have tried to avoid her, letting discomfort and unease sprout up between them. But she had turned to her instead. Rachel had trusted that Janet would accept it and her, exactly as she always did, and she had turned to her. Janet hugged that knowledge and the accompanying warm feelings away inside herself.

'I don't know what to do,' Rachel admitted.

'You have to move on.' Janet was sure of that. 'Give it a bit of time. Think about what you want.'

'But,' Rachel tried to interrupt but Janet had a pressing question.

'Are you and Gill still...?' She raised her eyebrows at Rachel. Involved? Together?

Rachel turned away to stare at her reflection before answering. 'I don't know.'

Janet felt her heart skip but she felt another darker feeling, deep inside, as a disturbing idea formed slowly in her mind. 'Because,' her voice was deathly serious. 'Rachel, you can't stay with her because of the job.' The wild look Rachel shot her told Janet that the idea had obviously occurred to her. 'No. Rach. You can't do that to yourself and you can't do it to Gill. I'm sorry, but no. It's wrong.'

Rachel turned towards her with pleading hands. 'It's not just that. I feel, I feel responsible for her. Like, I know I said I don't think she's exactly in love with me, but I cheated Janet. That's like the cardinal sin. It's her big thing. I don't want to send her off the deep end.'

Janet narrowed her eyes and examined Rachel very carefully. 'You do really care about her, don't you?'

Rachel ducked her head but Janet saw the glint of tears. 'Yeah, well, I know everybody thinks I'm some kind of shag bandit but I don't actually sleep with people who I don't have feelings for.' She snapped the words out as hard as she could. The tough act was marred though by the way her voice caught on _feelings._ Janet's heart did another little jump at the inference in Rachel's words

'Things haven't been right,' Rachel continued, with difficulty, 'but that doesn't mean I want to hurt her.'

Janet found she wanted to wrap her up in a hug but something stopped her. Maybe it was the unexplained ache in her own stomach. Was she hurting to see Rachel's pain or was it jealousy? Janet shook her head at herself. This was getting too complicated.

'Look, Rachel.' Her tone was gruff but her eyes were gentle and she made sure that Rachel was looking at her before she continued. 'You can't take that on yourself. Gill's a big girl. You have to start making choices and deal with the consequences.'

Rachel kept staring at her. 'I don't know what I want,' she breathed, barely audible. The seconds beat out. Janet counted the tension up the scale with every one. Breaths. Heartbeats. Footsteps outside.

.

The door swung open. Gill, poised in the doorway, eyes fixed on Rachel. A shiver went through Janet and she blinked slowly to contain it, prevent herself from reacting visibly.

'Oh hello.' Gill's voice could have cut glass. Rachel flinched infinitesimally and Janet swallowed the urge to reach out to her. She forced a smile for Gill. 'Morning.'

'Briefing in two minutes ladies.' Gill slammed the toilet door. Janet and Rachel's eyes slid sideways to meet. Janet grimaced and gripped Rachel's hand. _Come on._

_..._

_I might be a bitch but I can still hurt._

_I might be tough but I can still cry._

_I might be her lover but I can still lie._

_I might be her friend but I can fall in love._

_I might be nothing but I can love._


	4. Chapter 4

**Meant to say this in the last chapter but forgot – I've tried to work in bits of dialogue from the video. Obviously those lines don't belong to me. You probably all recognise them but I hope it's not too clunky.**

**Thank you to everyone reading this!**

* * *

"_you disappear with all your good intentions"_

_..._

_If the ends justify the means, will you fall in love, will you dare to trust, will you break her heart?_

_Will you choose?_

_..._

The team briefing was agony. Even the fellas who didn't have a clue what was going on could pick up on the tension in the room. Gill was the model professional. The only definite thing that Janet noticed was that she never once met Rachel's eye, barely glancing in her direction when she spoke to her. She kept her tone civil and divided up all the jobs as usual, not letting any petty sniping sneak in. But that was Gill. Janet wouldn't have expected any different. Rachel was rather more obviously off, but anyone who knew her could put that down to a hangover. She was quiet and stared rather fixedly at the table whenever she wasn't giving her attention to photographs or reports that were passed around. She did give the case her full attention though, seizing on each new fact to jot down in her daybook, scrutinising each item that circled the table. Perhaps she was trying to show Gill why it would be a crime to chuck her off the team, perhaps she had decided to throw herself into work to distract herself from her personal problems, perhaps she was more professional than Janet gave her credit. It wasn't the first word that sprang to mind when you thought of Rachel Bailey but, to be fair to her, she did live and breathe her job. She loved it, that much was clear. And she was bloody good at it. Far better than someone so naturally wayward and scatty had a right to be.

In spite of the sky high levels of professionalism being exhibited, however, the atmosphere in the room was thick and tense. Janet could see it affecting the others who, one by one, started to look uneasy. First Lee, always sensitive to subtle shifts in behaviour, began to look steadily from Gill to Rachel and back again, a slight furrow in his brow; then Mitch, his eyes fixed on Gill, began to frown; then Pete started to shift uneasily in his chair, scanning the table as though trying to pinpoint the problem. Andy alone seemed unaffected but Janet saw his sharp eyes following one then another of them, noticing. Janet was aware that she was part of this general awkwardness. Feeling like the responsible adult at the children's tea-party, she kept trying to smooth things out, spreading smiles and keeping her tone light and familiar. It was hard work though. She was sure her smiles were strained and false and her voice sounded grating to her own ears. Without Gill picking up on her odd comments and Rachel chipping in or sharing a grin, the whole thing felt wrong. Janet began to think she was adding to the weirdness of it all. Gill was clearly functioning on a high level of autopilot, Rachel was avoiding looking at or touching Janet in any way and Janet felt like she had turned into a demented housewife. They got through the necessary business but, when Gill told them to get cracking and get out of there, everyone heaved an audible sigh of relief.

'Whoah, what's up with Godzilla this morning?' Even Kevin had noticed. It must be bad.

'Did you piss in her coffee or something?' Rachel shot him a look that would have exterminated any being with a thinner skin. Kevin merely looked confused.

'Piss off,' she snarled. 'Some of us have work to do.' She scooped up her belongings and shot out the door in one movement. Kevin looked rather as if he had been slapped.

'Why's everyone so tense this morning?' he asked the room at large. Pete and Mitch eyed him doubtfully but there was no stopping Kevin when he had his foot half in his mouth.

'Is it just me, or does everyone need a bloody good shag or something?'

'Oh grow up Kevin.' Janet's patience snapped. Trust the biggest idiot in the room to hit closest to the mark. She stomped out of the room without even bothering to pick up her notes or her bag. Kevin's mouth hanging open and his hands helplessly half-raised were the last things she saw.

Janet headed for the stairwell, hoping there wouldn't be too many people about. It was cool and calm and quiet when the door swung shut behind her. She couldn't hide in the toilets again just yet, she didn't want people noticing. Although, losing it with Kevin was a great way to draw attention to herself. Normally she was the patient one, outwardly at least. She would roll her eyes but put up with his knobby comments, however off-colour or well-intentioned he was at that moment. He was probably still standing there, saying something else daft like: 'I rest my case', or 'there goes another one', or 'what is it with women?' Janet sighed. She didn't care. She had lost the energy to care equally as suddenly as the anger had flared up in her. This whole situation was a mess and it was getting to her. Janet hated that. She started down the stairs slowly, dragging it out, giving herself time to clear her head and get it back on the case.

Rachel was down to interview the neighbour that had raised the alarm. She was probably just an innocent witness but they had to keep an open mind at this stage and gather as much information as they could. The neighbour might also be able to put them in the picture about the family in general – home life, issues, arguments, significant comings and goings. It was all potentially relevant and, just at the moment, she was the only person they had to interview. They were rather hoping she would give them some names of other parties who may have been involved with the family. Gill had asked Janet to put her head in on the video room, see if she could pick up anything that they could action straight away. Rachel was bound to be grabbing a quick smoke first so she wouldn't be ready to start yet, Janet thought as she paused at the bottom of the stairs.

Janet was right. She saw Rachel coming round the corner with the neighbour, Mrs. Griffiths, just as she was leaning on the door of the video room. Rachel was doing the nice act: 'if you'd just come this way,' and all that. Her eyes caught on Janet's and her face faltered. Janet felt a rush of some feeling, she wasn't sure how to describe it. She dropped her eyes and leaned harder to push the door open fully and vanish into the darkness of video observation as fast as she could.

Janet struggled to maintain her composure long enough to nod to Lee, already in the chair in front of the screens. Rachel appeared onscreen a few moments later. She was running through all the usual procedures so Janet allowed herself a few moments to process what she had just felt. Breathless. She couldn't remember when she had last felt this way about someone – bowled over by them. She wondered when things had started to change, when she had started falling for Rachel. Last night hadn't come out of nowhere, Janet recognised that. You didn't go from 'all right mate' to shagging in one fell swoop. Except... when you kept your feelings under lockdown all the time, refused to listen to little nagging voices or pay attention to your reactions. Except if you were Janet Scott, basically. In which case, you waited till it all caught up with you and then you got carried away. That was Rachel though, the effect she had on people. She didn't even try either. Briefly, Janet wondered how she would respond if Elise came to her with a similar problem. "I fancy this lad but he's going out with my best friend but he kissed me, now what do I do?" It sounded so cliché, put like that. She would tell Elise to steer well clear, that the lad was twirling her or taking advantage or something like that. But Rachel wasn't like that. If she was some little flirt, working everyone, it would be easy to dismiss her. There was just something special about her. Janet caught her breath as Rachel tucked her hair behind her ear. Little innocent gestures had the power to turn grown women to water.

'All right Janet?' Lee glanced at her. Janet nodded, heart pounding. She cleared her throat rather obviously as cover, then fixed her attention on the video screens, willing Lee to do the same. She had to hold it together.

For the next half an hour Janet focused on the interview she was observing. She made a few notes but nothing was leaping out at her. It was all very generic: "lovely family.. everybody liked them... nobody would want to hurt them..." kind of thing. Sometimes that was true. She paid close attention, though, to their witness and blocked off all thoughts about Rachel even if she couldn't help noticing her occasionally. She was doing great, in fact, until Gill walked in. Janet and Lee both raised their heads and nodded hello. Gill was still exuding tension like the smell of rotten meat. Janet looked back at the videos again, tried to focus on what was before her eyes but she was too hyper-aware of Gill standing slightly behind her.

'Anything?' The question made Janet jump.

'Err no, nothing much, not yet.' She sounded almost normal, thank heavens, despite feeling like the eye of judgement was on her. Gill had brought the guilt in with her and it was snaking its way around Janet, crawling up through her gut, threatening to throttle her. With Gill here too, she found she couldn't take her eyes off Rachel again. The way she looked so intense, the way she touched her cheek, the way she blinked. This had to stop. Gill was going to see her looking, watching. Gill was right beside her. This was so wrong. But Janet couldn't tear her eyes away. The way Rachel tilted her pen, the way she rubbed the side of her nose, the way she leaned forward to hear better. Janet felt slightly dizzy. The room seemed to be getting smaller and hotter. Gill was leaning over her shoulder. Rachel was resting her hand on her knee. The edges were blurring.

'Are you ok?' Gill spoke almost in her ear and Janet only just stopped herself reeling. She determinedly blinked the world back into focus. She half-turned her head to meet Gill's eye as best she could. 'Yeah,' she nodded. Gill looked hard at her, all too clearly not convinced.

'Umm, I think I need a bit of air,' Janet added. 'Is that ok?'

'Sure.' Gill stood back a bit to let her out.

'I've got a few things to pass on to...' Janet felt she ought to have some excuse for leaving, prove she could still do something useful. 'Shall I follow them up? Leave you to it?'

'Good.' Gill nodded. 'Fine.'

Thankfully, Janet made her escape.

...

Five o'clock came and normal people got to go home. Normal people who did normal jobs, if they even worked Saturdays that is. Gill's team were still hard at it. Back in her office for the first time in hours after attending the post-mortems, Gill took stock. She had the next couple of hours to decide whether she wanted her lot in tomorrow or not. Nobody liked working Sundays, of course, but if the case was hot... Was it though? They were in a bit of a lull at the moment. Gill looked out through the blinds at the outer office. Janet was working at her computer, typing up notes from this morning, probably; Mitch was popping in and out, sorting through exhibits; Lee was just in; Pete had just gone out; Andy was out, co-ordinating the house to house and keeping half an eye on Kevin who was supposed to be chasing up CCTV. She could sense the mood even through the closed door. Dogged, determined, but not lively. Still sifting through information at this stage and waiting for things to come in. That was one of the problems with weekends, normal people didn't always work them, especially not Sundays. They could well be waiting on various pieces of evidence till Monday. Gill took off her glasses and sighed. She needed to call a full team briefing before letting them go for the night. On the whole, she thought she would not ask them to come in tomorrow, unless anything startling came up. They would be fresher after a day's rest.

Through the window, Gill noticed Rachel stalk in and throw herself into her chair. Janet's head bobbed up from her computer and they shared a couple of remarks that Gill couldn't hear. Watching Rachel, Gill realised that she was squeezing her glasses again. She was really going to have to stop doing that. It was ridiculous spending so much money at the opticians. Rachel rootled in her desk drawer for something, probably painkillers. Gill tried to smirk at the thought. She deserved the hangover from hell, after all. After all she had put Gill through last night. She still wasn't sure she believed Rachel's rigmarole this morning. She wanted to, but that in itself was almost reason not to. She could feel the lure of easy belief, of ignoring the problem – the way she had with Dave. But she had sworn, sworn to herself that she wasn't going to do that again. Better to be hurt than deluded. Rachel ran her hand through her hair, dragging the strands into a messier arrangement, and Gill felt a tug in her chest. Maybe she could make Rachel come in tomorrow, as a kind of punishment. Just for a moment, she leaned back in her chair and amused herself by letting her mind wander. She could imagine Rachel sulking and huffing away at her desk for eight hours in an otherwise empty office. And she would stay and work and put the effort in, partly because that was her and partly because she knew Gill wouldn't let her off. On the other hand, Gill would probably have to be in at least part of the day tomorrow herself. Watching Rachel for hours, just the other side of the glass, would be an interesting kind of torture. Maybe she should do that, see what happened. Gill flicked her hair back off her face and shoved her glasses back on again, sitting forward. Something needed to happen. They could not go through another day like today. It was bad for the team, bad for the case, and Gill wasn't having it. She pushed herself up and yanked open her office door, leaning out to call, 'Janet?'

Janet's head jerked round and she looked over the top of her glasses. 'Boss?'

Was everyone this jumpy today? She hadn't expected mere atmosphere to get to Janet, not visibly anyway. Gill didn't miss the way that Rachel flinched too, but she studiously ignored her. 'Team briefing in an hour. Get everyone in, will you?' She was almost back in her office again when Rachel's voice caught her.

'Err Boss?' Literally stopped in her tracks, Gill had to take a deep breath before she could turn around. Rachel sounded scared. Scared of her, Gill. It hurt, deep deep inside, to realise that.

'Yes?' Gill spun on her heel and made a monumental effort to look Rachel in the face, if not the eye. She felt the air in the room thicken.

'Err,' Rachel started again. 'The neighbour.'

Gill inclined her head slightly, indicating "go on." Her neck had gone strangely stiff.

'She was mostly just what you'd expect: lovely family, terrible tragedy, everybody liked them. She did say one thing, though, that stuck out.' Rachel was warming to her subject now and didn't need further encouragement from Gill to keep explaining, which was good because Gill was feeling increasingly like she had swallowed a yard stick in the last minute and couldn't have nodded if she had tried.

'She said it was such a shame because they, the Wintertons, had just got new alarms. Smoke alarm, carbon monoxide alarm, even a burglar alarm, all just put in last month. She said she knew this because the father, Mr. Winterton had shown them to her when he came back from the shop with them. Over the garden fence, that kind of thing. He even offered to fit one for her if she wanted.'

Rachel paused, expectant. As three then four seconds ticked by, Gill realised that a response was required of her. Automatically, her brain sieved the information and her mouth responded.

'So?' Eyebrows raised. She bit back the urge to make a sarcastic comment. Unprofessional. And she was genuinely curious what Rachel was getting at.

'So... it's a bit odd isn't it? Brand new alarms and they still get choked to death in their sleep.'

'Have they been tested yet?' Janet chipped in from her seat between the other two. Gill almost jumped. She had forgotten she was there, sitting below her eye line which was fixed on Rachel. She was having a Sherlock moment. Gill wasn't sure if it was going anywhere yet but she could feel it building.

'Check with Mitch,' Gill muttered without moving her eyes.

'Do we know for sure that it was carbon monoxide?' Rachel continued. 'It's just... the father, Mr. Winterton.' Rachel drew the name out with distaste. 'Why get all that new gear, all at once? Why blather on about it to your neighbour?'

Gill frowned at her intently, her own brain whirring now. She could see where Rachel was going with this but it was flimsy, to say the least.

'Why not?' She challenged her. 'Maybe he's just like that. Likes to boast to the neighbours, bit of a busybody.'

'According to everyone else we've spoken to...' Janet flipped open her daybook and jumped in again. This time Gill did visibly start. Janet continued, oblivious, thank God.

'...he's not. Complete opposite, apparently. Kept himself to himself, quiet, family man, didn't have much to do with anyone else.' She reeled off a few quotes then looked up, glancing between Gill and Rachel. Gill couldn't look back though. She tried but her eyes would not move. Rachel's gaze flickered to Janet for a moment and a tiny smile passed between them.

'What you're saying...' Gill's voice brought Rachel's eyes snapping back to her.

'Have the alarms been tampered with? Have they been fingerprinted? Was it even definitely carbon monoxide poisoning? I don't know exactly, there's just something not right about the family, the father in particular. It's...' Rachel waved her arms, running out of words.

Gill knew that feeling, she recognised it. When your instinct told you something but you didn't understand why, yet. When you thought you were on to something but you had no evidence for it, yet. It was feelings like that that told them where to look for the evidence though, instincts that structured a case, flashes of insight that could mean all the difference between blundering around in the dark and actually getting results. Gill let her eyes meet Rachel's fully for the first time. Rachel's instinct was still raw, still needed honed with patience and experience, but God it was good. Gill had thought she was prepared, after everything she had been through with Dave, for some of the things she would feel when she broke up with Rachel. She had thought about it in her dark, lonely moments when she had told herself it was only a fling, not something that could last. She had thought about it last night, after Rachel's cryptic phonecall. She had been prepared to acknowledge that she still fancied her, even if she could hardly bare to be around her. She had been prepared for how her body might react – damn biology. But not for this. Not for this rush she got when Rachel's brain and copper instinct were running at full tilt, the thing that had drawn her to Rachel in the very first place. Moments like this, Gill felt she could see the whole map of the case drawn out in the space between Rachel's mind and her own, see the connections sparking, the dark gaps that needed to be filled, the danger areas. And she could feel the similarities between the two of them, the places where they thought alike, followed the same paths, the ways in which Rachel was like a younger version of herself. And the differences too, the crucial differences that drew her in. All of this bundled together and fired into those huge dark eyes that were staring at her now gave Gill such a rush – it was emotional, it was intellectual, it was sexual. Only the decades of self-training stopped Gill from gasping aloud. She blinked and realised that Rachel's mouth was slightly open. The connection between them hummed with electricity.

'Ok.' Gill had to clear her throat before she could speak clearly. 'Follow it up, from here. I'll keep it in mind. I'll check the full PM report if it's come through. We'll see what comes up in the briefing.'

Rachel nodded, sat down again, breaking the connection.

'Janet?'

Janet's head snapped upwards and Gill realised that she had been staring across the desks at Rachel. 'Yes Boss.' Her voice was unusually soft.

'See if you've got anything else on the husband so far and tell Andy to prioritise any information he's got on him too, if any. I'll check if that report's in.'

Janet nodded and Gill shut herself back in her office. For a few seconds, she leaned against the door, the only corner of privacy she could get without shutting the blinds, which would only draw attention. She had been wrong, she had forgotten and she had underestimated her feelings, again. It wasn't the betrayal of trust that was the worst thing, though God knows that hurt like hell. It was the doubt seeping into every corner, that's what was worst. The way it made her question every moment, every word, look, touch, thought. The way it threw question after question at her. Since she had heard those three words last night, _I'm shagging her_, the world had changed. Her world. What she saw and heard and thought she knew. Everything she had thought she had known up until that moment and everything that happened after it was coloured by those three words. How could she trust her own judgement if she hadn't seen them coming? What did she really know about her relationship with Rachel? How much of it was a lie? Or not?

She didn't know if she could stand being near Rachel at the moment. But, at the same time, she didn't know if she could break away from her. That rush. Gill realised she was shaking.

She genuinely did not know what to do. And, for Gill Murray, that was terrifying.

...

**Toilets. Now**

Rachel was surprised when she got the text from Janet. It was only a couple of minutes since the meeting had broken up. It hadn't been as bad as this morning's one, at least. And Gill had listened to her idea. Rachel's mind was still very much taken up with the case. She hadn't actually noticed much about the others' moods or attitudes, being so absorbed in taking in all the information they had gathered and filtering it for connections. She had been aware of a certain tension in the room but she had been walking through tension all day, it was becoming normal. She was only specifically aware of the tensions that existed between herself and Janet and, particularly, between herself and Gill. The drained air around the other lads had completely gone over her head. Andy's and Lee's wariness had passed her by. She hadn't even noticed that Kevin was uncharacteristically quiet. It was all about the case. This time Gill had looked at her, spoken to her, listened to her and, when she did, Rachel's world narrowed to that connection and the possibilities they played out between them. The only other the thing she was aware of was Janet's presence beside her, warming her, steeling her, grounding her when she got carried away. They were on to something, Rachel could feel it. Half the others thought she was batty but Gill was listening; that was what mattered. There was something wrong at the centre of this family. House to house had revealed a lot more discord than that first neighbour had mentioned. The initial post-mortem reports had flagged up some discrepancies in times of death. They had definitely all asphyxiated but possibly not in the same way. They needed toxicology reports, they needed more intelligence, but at least they had an idea what they were looking for.

Gill had given them tomorrow off and the team were starting to drift out, finishing up odd tasks and heading home. Janet had been here a minute ago, Rachel thought. What could have happened? She was already standing and pocketing her phone as the questions buzzed, heading out the door. As she pushed through the doors to the stairs, Rachel almost walked into Gill. She started back, as if to avoid a hot kettle. They hadn't touched all day. Rachel was frightened to, not knowing what it would set off. Gill nodded to her and went on, hardly even raising her eyes. A week ago, a moment like this would have been an occasion to exchange a cheeky grin, make some wisecrack, swap a gem of information. Now, Rachel ran down the stairs, her steps fuelled by guilt and uncertainty. If only she could outrun her own tangled emotions. This was all so shit. Part of her wanted to run back and grab Gill and hold her in her arms saying sorry until everything was right again. If it hadn't been for the other voice inside, pulling her onwards, she might have actually done it, no matter how much of a Godzilla-bitch Gill could be. The other part, however, the other voice, was whispering insistently – what about Janet? She pushed open the door to the toilets with the words 'I got your text' already on her tongue.

Janet was pacing, wound tight as a watch-spring. Her shoulders were hunched and her jaw clenched. Her hands balled into fists at her sides as she stalked the length of the room – clench and release, clench and release. Rachel felt like she had walked into a wall. She had never seen Janet in this state.

'What's up?'

Janet paced away from Rachel again, putting all of the fifteen feet available between them. She turned to face her, looked her squarely in the eye and unscrewed her jaw to speak. Rachel could see the effort it took to get those words out.

'We're telling Gill.'

The world dropped away under Rachel's feet. The floor slanted and tried to throw her off. Ice water raced down her spine to pool in her stomach. Her gut writhed and knotted. For the umpteenth time in twenty-four hours she thought she was going to throw up, even though her stomach was already empty and raw.

'No,' she breathed. Was she swaying or was it everything else? Janet had tightened up again. She was biting her lip so hard that Rachel's eyes were drawn to it, fixated, wondering if she would actually draw blood. She couldn't think. She couldn't speak. Only the word 'No' kept tearing round in circles inside her head, chasing its own short tail. No No No No No No No No No No

Janet broke the deadlock by pacing forward again until she stood right in front of Rachel. She leaned in close and hissed through her clenched teeth.

'She was here. She was asking me about you. She was trying to ask if you had said anything to me. Have you seen her? Have you really looked at her today, at all? I have just practically lied to a woman who has been my friend for nearly twenty years. And I can't do it. I can't do it to her. It's bad enough, what we did. I'm not going to lie to her about it and have her find out down the line. It would... can't you see, it would break her. I can't do that to her Rachel. She's my friend.'

'Janet,' Rachel grabbed her hands, pulling them up close to her, begging. 'Janet please. I'm not losing this job. Please. You've got to understand, Jan, you know.'

'This job won't be here in another week!' Janet exploded. She wrenched her hands out of Rachel's and stalked off to the other end of the room again. She turned and pressed her back to the wall.

'We can't carry on like this. Can't you see? It's falling apart already. Can you honestly go through another day of this? Another week? A month?'

Rachel stumbled towards her, talking fast, talking nonsense. 'It'll get better, it will. It's only today, I'll sort it, I promise. It won't be like this. Jan, please.' She had hold of Janet's hands again, her arms. Rubbing her hands up and down her arms. It was awful to see Janet like this. She had to calm her down. She had to make her see. She had to make it all ok again.

'Rachel.' Janet's tone was serious, warning. Rachel couldn't hear it. She gabbled on, concern and desperation rising in tandem in her voice, her hands soothing and gripping in turn – Janet's arms, Janet's shirt, Janet's shoulders, Janet's face, Janet's hair.

'Rachel.' More of a gasp this time.

How they started kissing, Rachel didn't understand. One moment she was talking and the next her mouth was full of Janet's. Hot and frenzied, her hands never stilled, Janet clutching at her, squeezing the space between their bodies into rustling darkness.

For a couple of seconds it was so good. It was hot and soft and all of her needs, sending shivers right through her brain.

And for a few seconds more.

And more.

They broke apart like magnets repelling. Pushing each other away. Rachel staggered back to lean against the sinks. She dug her fingers into the edge of the counter, hanging on tight. Janet slid away across the wall to put more distance between them. They were both panting, staring, leaning over slightly, knees wobbling. In shock.

'Jan.' It was barely a breath and the tiniest sideways movement in her head. Rachel felt tears sting in her eyes. She was too busy staring at Janet to blink them away. She saw Janet's face set and knew there was no swaying her, even before she opened her mouth.

'We're telling Gill. This needs sorting.' She started off quietly but her voice rose with an edge of desperation to the last words. She gestured to the two of them, the space between them. She was right, yes, Rachel knew that. Of course she was right, she was Janet. This did need sorting. This between them. Rachel looked across the narrow gap between their two bodies and could feel the air tingling, the space magnetising again. She drew short fast breaths and dug her fingers against the sharp edge of the counter. If Janet didn't stop looking at her, if she didn't stop looking at Janet, they were going to do it all again. Rachel could feel it, she could almost have counted the seconds down if she had been able to think clearly. Her eyes travelled down Janet's body, memories of her from last night flitting through her mind unbidden. Rachel felt her temperature rising, the blood pounding in her ears.

'Open your eyes, Rachel.' Rachel refocused with difficulty. Janet's voice was sad but her face was firm. Rachel was confused.

'She loves you.'

Rachel shook her head. Janet gave an insistent little nod. Since when had Janet lied to her? But if it was true...

'She loves you and she's hurting. Open your eyes.'

Rachel still couldn't think properly. She wanted to give her brain a good shake and tell it to hurry up. If Gill loved her, what did that mean? What was she supposed to do now? And Janet?

'What about you? This?'

'You know I love you, Rach.' _Open your eyes. _'And this, this is...' Janet ran out of words and gesticulated vaguely. She raised her eyes to the ceiling and Rachel saw the tendons stand out in her neck as she clenched her jaw again.

'But I can't do this behind Gill's back. And...' Rachel caught the light glinting off tears in Janet's eyes and felt a sharp stab of pain.

'And... I won't do this unless it's what you really want.' Janet lowered her head to look Rachel in the eye again.

'You need to decide what you want.' Janet said it very calmly and very softly but Rachel could see the pain in her eyes. Slowly, she nodded. Slowly, she eased herself away from the sink, loosening her grip. Slowly, she walked the two steps towards Janet and took her hands again, gently this time.

'I'm sorry.' She slid her arms around Janet and pulled her close into a hug.

'Don't be sorry,' Janet choked into her shoulder. They held each other tighter, shaking together with repressed sobs. The kiss this time was slower, sweeter and filled with an aching longing that almost broke Rachel down. When they stopped, Janet held Rachel at arm's length, her hands resting lightly on her hips.

'Can you see any other choice? Because I can't.'

Rachel shook her head but she had lost track of what she was saying no to. There was no stopping Janet, that much was clear. And Rachel supposed it was the right thing to do. Janet always knew the right thing to do. But oh how had she got herself into this mess? She didn't know what she wanted. She wanted to go back in time to yesterday, to last week, to before she even got involved with Gill. Or did she? Would she really undo any of it? Yes. No. She had only done what felt right at the time. It had all been wonderful, at the time, at the start. But how it all fitted together – she would undo that, she would change, she would do it all differently if she only had the chance.

Janet stepped forward, held out a hand to ward Rachel off slightly as she automatically swayed towards her. Rachel pulled herself back. Janet stepped round her to the door. With one hand on it, she looked at Rachel. Those eyes. Rachel couldn't get enough of those eyes. And she would remember, she told herself, that Janet always faced her, always looked her straight in the eye. She would remember how strong she was. Even as her own vision started to swim with tears, Rachel noticed that Janet kept looking at her.

'Everyone will be gone by now.'

Rachel nodded. Janet's voice was hard-edged with dry tears when she spoke again. She was about to do what must be one of the hardest things she had ever done and she wasn't flinching. Rachel felt like a worm beside her.

'You come when you're ready but I'm talking to her now.'

And she was gone. Rachel was alone. The door swung noisily closed and that was it.

...

_Will you choose?_

_Will you choose?_

_Will you choose?_

_Do the ends ever justify the means? _


	5. Chapter 5

**Hopefully this will get Rachel just a little more sympathy. I think she has behaved very badly in this story but I do feel sorry for her because I think it comes from a place of very low self-worth in the relationship department.**

**I feel I'm maybe not doing the crime/mystery justice but it was never meant to be here, it sort of grew out of the needs of the story but basically I'm more interested in the characters' personal journeys.**

**Ok, blather over. Thank you if you are still reading! I admire your stamina.**

* * *

"_who will bring me flowers when it's over?_

_and who will give me comfort when it's cold?"_

_..._

_There will be a hole where she used to be at your side – a silence which her voice used to fill – a hollow in her chair._

_..._

'Looks like our Sherlock's onto something.' Gill was standing by the window when Janet tapped on her open office door. She turned and started speaking before Janet even got inside.

'High levels of sleeping drugs in the kids' systems, high levels of alcohol in the father's. Carbon monoxide present in all of _their_ bloodstreams, lethal levels easy, but none in the mother's. What is that telling us?'

Janet shook her head, fighting the schoolgirl reflex to find the right answer to the question. She couldn't let herself get distracted. Deliberately, she closed the door. No sign of Rachel yet. Janet wasn't surprised and she wasn't sorry either. She had some inkling of how Gill was going to react when she told her what had gone on and she didn't want Rachel to have to see it. Maybe it was silly, this trying to shield Rachel from the full consequences of things she did but this time Janet felt just as responsible, if not more so. She had let it happen. She had more than let it happen, she had encouraged it, instigated it even. And she could have stopped it. She was supposed to be the grown up, reliable one, after all.

'It is looking increasingly likely that Mr. Winterton decided to off himself and his whole family into the bargain. Nice fella. What I'm wondering is, what's his motive?' Gill looked enquiringly at Janet.

Janet wasn't surprised that Gill hadn't noticed her mood. She knew she must look exceedingly unlike herself – she could feel the way her shoulders were locked, her arms drawn in close to her body, her knees stiff, her teeth almost grinding, her eyes still stinging. But she wasn't surprised that Gill hadn't picked up on it yet. Everyone was so used to Janet being there and being ok, looking out for them all, mummying them a bit. She was used to being underestimated. It was part of what made her interview technique work so well; they were never expecting it when she went in for the kill. Maybe that was why she was so close to Rach – because once Rachel had seen past that slightly cosy, slightly standoffish front, she had never been fooled again. She had always looked harder.

'Is she still here, Rachel?' Gill asked, glancing through the window. 'Will you tell her? I don't think I... I don't think it would be wise... well, y'know'

Gill had looked sad when Janet first saw her, before she even knocked, now she was putting on the falsely cheerful act but it faltered on her last words. Oh God, Janet thought. She hoped Rachel was still in the toilets because she had no idea, really, what she had done. _Open your eyes Rach. _Telling her that Gill loved her should have given her something to think about for a bit. She had no idea. Even an idiot could see it, Janet thought, watching Gill fumble her glasses into their case then take them out again, twisting them at least twice as hard as was good for them when she looked up at Rachel's empty desk again. But Rachel was a prize-winning, five star, international gold medallist idiot when it came to feelings and relationships. She honestly couldn't see how Gill felt about her, Janet could tell. Knowing all sides of it only made Janet feel worse. The burned harder than ever. She had to get on with it. She had to tell Gill. Because it was the right thing to do. Because Janet Scott always did the right thing. Well, almost always.

'I need to talk to you,' she managed. Then, almost choking, 'about Rachel.'

Gill's eyes darkened. Janet opened her mouth but no words came out. She swallowed hard, counting down short rapid breaths: 3, 2, 1: speak.

'I was with her.'

Gill looked confused. Feeling like she was going to vomit with each word, Janet forced out 'last night.' She saw denial dawn in Gill's eyes even before understanding.

'No you weren't.' Gill tossed the words out like they were nothing. She shook her head as if she was brushing away a fly. As if the idea was so small and insignificant and unlikely that it could be got rid of that easily. But understanding was there, in the way Gill held Janet's gaze – begging her to unsay it, to explain it away, to stop right there and make it untrue. Janet's ears started to ring as her pulse pumped harder but there was no unsaying it now. She had to keep going and hope that somehow they all came out the other side of this conversation in one piece, although she couldn't quite see how.

'Yes I was. That's who she was talking about when she said...' Janet stopped. _I'm shagging her. _She couldn't quite do it though. Some things were too much.

'I was with her,' she said again instead. The pleading in Gill's eyes was more desperate now, understanding was relentlessly hacking through. Gill flicked her head again, saying something, but the blood rushing through Janet's head was making her ears ring so badly now that she didn't hear it. She had to focus. She had to keep talking. She had to say what she really meant to say. If only the words would come out of her mouth and stop getting all mixed up on the way.

'She's bright.' Yes, Rachel was dazzling bright, drawing them all to her without even meaning to. Focus Janet.

'She's clever. You saw that today.' Gill winced and Janet only just stopped herself from wincing too, out of sympathy. Wrong thing, reminding Gill of what she felt. Janet couldn't have missed the sparks flying between the two of them earlier; the whole room had hotted up. Janet's brain buzzed louder. Everything was coming out wrong. Get a grip woman.

'We need her.' One more try. Gill's face barely shifted but Janet knew she had chosen the wrong words.

'Oh yes, we all need Rachel Bailey. We need her so much we can't keep our fucking hands off her.' Gill's denial snapped. Her rising voice cut through the noise inside Janet's head and she clenched her jaw harder so as not to flinch away from Gill's raw anger. She mustn't say sorry, not yet. It would be too cruel.

'Don't sack her.' Janet had to force the words out fast to stop herself from apologising in the same breath. Gill stared at her, so much going on inside that her eyes were hard to read.

'Don't do this to me,' she said at last, deadpan, holding out a hand to ward Janet off. This was the last chance, Janet knew. Gill was giving her one last chance to say that she was lying, making it all up for some mad reason, to simply walk out of there without explanation so that they could all pretend that everything was ok. But it wasn't ok. And it would only get worse if they did that. Janet wasn't even tempted. She was just incredibly sad that things had gone this far wrong, incredibly sorry that nobody, not even Gill herself it seemed, had realised the depths of Gill's feelings for Rachel. She was as hurt as Janet had ever seen her. Even five years ago when she told Janet that she had kicked Dave out she hadn't been this bad. Of course, Janet hadn't seen the moment of realisation then, the initial furious outpouring of emotion, she had only heard about it one step removed. Facing that moment now, Janet wished she had understood better beforehand. There were things they all kept to themselves, Gill was a very private person, but Janet felt she should have known, somehow, how strongly Gill felt.

That she would even want to pretend...

Janet couldn't let her do it. She looked her friend steadily in the eye and let her read the truth for herself.

'I can't believe you'd do this to me.' Gill's voice started to crack. 'We've known each other what, eighteen, nineteen years?' The betrayal was so much harder to face than Janet had expected, written all over Gill's face, body, voice. In spite her best intentions, she found herself trying to offer some kind of explanation.

'Yeah, so you know me. You know I care about you. So I'm not doing this lightly, am I?'

It was too much. It was the wrong thing. Janet should have known better. She could have kicked herself as soon as the words were out of her mouth. This wasn't supposed to be about how she felt. It was supposed to be about telling Gill the truth and trying to stop her chucking Rachel off the team, if that was humanly possible. The trouble was, Janet wasn't used to breaking people's hearts. Gill was angry now. Like a wounded animal she was casting about for something to bite to distract herself from the pain. Janet recognised that look from delivering death messages to family members. It was the look that came a moment before they threw something or broke something or hit something, someone. Gill was physically holding herself in, arms wrapped around her body but she lashed out with her voice.

'Yes and when I dump you both in the darkest corners of the Case Progression Unit at opposite ends of the country, I won't be doing it fucking lightly will I?'

Janet chewed on her lip. This was all going wrong, worse than wrong. Gill had half-turned away from her to hide the tears standing in her eyes. Gill had never hidden from her before, but Janet supposed she shouldn't be surprised. It hurt, but that was her own fault.

'Gill?' she tried again. What did she do now? She was the one who normally comforted Gill through things. What was she supposed to do when she was the one hurting her? Who was going to look after her?

'Get out.' Gill's words were barely audible. Janet paused for a moment. One more try. She stepped forward with a hand reaching tentatively.

'Get out!' Gill snapped her body back out of reach. She gripped the edge of her desk from behind it and ground out her words expressionlessly through barely parted teeth and trickles of tears.

'Janet if you do not leave this room right now I will throw every last thing on this desk at you including the computer and some of them will hit you.'

Janet considered for a whole second before she recognised that Gill really meant it. Walking into that office had been hard, knowing what she was about to do. Walking out and leave Gill to feel that awful by herself was even harder but Janet knew that staying would only make it worse. Gill was obviously exercising enormous amounts of self-control to stop herself breaking down completely. She would hate to do that here. Under the circumstances, leaving was the lesser of two evils.

As she closed the door behind her, Janet felt her body almost give up on her. She clung to the handle, swaying. She was an awful person. She must be, to have done that to one of her best friends. She closed her eyes against the tears that would start up. Everything was quiet behind the door. She wondered what Gill was going to do. _I'm sorry: _the words she wanted to say so badly. _I am so sorry._

Opening her eyes, Janet realised that Rachel was sitting at her desk watching her, looking scared.

...

When Janet left Rachel in the ladies' toilets, Rachel's mind was reeling. Slowly, she sank down to the floor, pulling her knees into her chest and tucking herself close against the wall. She rocked slightly as she tried to force herself to think clearly.

Gill loved her.

Janet said so.

Janet loved her.

Rachel knew that.

But Gill loved her.

Rachel had hurt her.

Gill had loved her.

Rachel had betrayed her.

Gill wouldn't love her any more.

Gill had never said so.

Rachel hadn't known.

It couldn't be true. She had always left. She hadn't wanted to be there, with Rachel.

It had to be true. Janet said so.

Janet was a good friend. Janet loved her.

Rachel shouldn't have dragged her into this mess.

She always screwed things up.

Gill had loved her.

Really?

Really?

The thoughts chased each other round her mind until Rachel groaned and cradled her head in her hands. This was ridiculous, Rachel thought. She sniffed deeply and scrubbed at her eyes with the heels of her hands. She was sitting here crying like a baby whilst Janet was running the gauntlet for a problem that Rachel had caused. She had to go face up to what she had done. She had to see Gill. Yes, she had to see her, look harder, see if she could see if it was true. Gill had loved her. Maybe. Why the fuck hadn't she said anything? Rachel screwed up her hands into fists and thumped the ground on each side of her. It wasn't Gill she was angry at though, it was herself. Why hadn't she noticed?

Rachel had tried so hard for so long to get Gill's attention. She had been aware of her for years, following her career through reports and canteen gossip. Somebody was always talking about the golden girl. From their first meeting, they had sparked off each other – sometimes badly, it was true. Rachel had been determined to impress Gill, had done everything that was in her power and her nature to get closer to her. There had been so many times that she had thought it was hopeless, that Godzilla genuinely hated her, that she had screwed it up for good. But Gill had hung onto her. And Rachel had kept trying, kept pushing, recognising that Gill liked to be challenged. It had been worth it for the thrill of those moments when she got it right, when there was a pat on the back or, even better, a knowing look or smile, a shared instinct. Rachel had barely dreamt in those days that Gill would ever care about her personally as well as professionally. It had been a fantasy that had seemed as far away and unlikely as becoming Queen of England. Rachel had been with Nick too. She had thought that she had her future mapped out: on the right career path, learning from the best, in a steady relationship with a man she thought she loved who was supposed to love her. All that had changed. And Gill had been there - astonishingly, challengingly, caringly, frequently ragingly there. Gill had hung onto her. Rachel had tried harder after that. She had wanted to be everything that Gill wanted her to be. And she had started to believe that Gill might, just might, want her just a little. For months she had watched every breath her boss took in her presence. She had assessed every look that passed between them, analysed every fleeting touch, read the signs, read re-read and re-interpreted them until she had wondered if it was all in her own head. But no, there had definitely been something growing. There were more opportunities to talk, more time spent alone, laughter as well as fights, touches that lasted more than a split second, then more than a second. Until at last Rachel had taken a chance one night in the middle of a particularly inspired discussion and kissed her.

How the hell had they gone so wrong? Rachel couldn't fathom it. She had had everything she thought she had wanted but it hadn't been right, it hadn't been enough. Something had changed in Rachel when Nick had betrayed her, more deeply than she had even realised herself. She didn't want to be used again, dandled along on a string as a toy to be picked up and dropped intermittently. She wanted to be the most important person in the world, to one other person. She wanted to be the one they spent the rest of their life with. She wanted to feel that necessary and that loved. Gill was wonderful but Rachel had come to doubt more and more that she would ever be that to her. Even now when Janet was telling her that Gill really did love her, Rachel still found it hard to believe. If it hadn't been that she trusted Janet so intrinsically she would have dismissed it out of hand. Thinking about Janet made Rachel groan again. She had really fucked everything up. Cheating on her boss, shagging her best mate, and snogging her in work too. What the hell was wrong with her? It had felt so good, though, being with Janet, though she was almost ashamed to admit it. Rachel couldn't remember ever feeling so... cherished. It had been odd and unsettling to feel that safe and comfortable amongst all the other exciting feelings. But it was still so wrong. She had gone about it all the wrong way. If she had thought she could have planned it better but then she had never meant for it to happen at all. Somehow the wine and the aching inside and Janet's own warm presence had all worked together and she had got carried away.

Now... what was she going to do now? Janet had said to choose. To make a decision. But Rachel felt caught and tied, as if any decision she made would have absolutely no impact on what happened next. Everything was ruined. It didn't matter what she wanted.

That first time she had kissed Gill she had been terrified but she had done it. Where was that courage now? Rachel tutted in disgust at herself, snivelling on the floor. She had to face Gill and be honest with her. She had to at least try. No matter if the mere thought made her go weak and shaky. Rachel pulled herself up and turned to look in the mirror. She screwed up her face at her reflection.

'Coward.'

.

Rachel reached the MIT office just in time to hear Gill's voice saying something she couldn't quite catch. The office was dark, lit only by the glow from Gill's windows and the door onto the corridor. Rachel crept in softly. She wanted to judge her moment right. She hadn't caught the words but Gill's tone had sounded strained. Would it be better to go straight in or wait until Janet came out? Automatically, Rachel drifted towards her own desk, shadowed and silent. She sat gingerly in her usual chair and strained her ears to listen. There was a little lull, then Janet's voice, also hard to hear, something about light. But she didn't need to strain to hear much of Gill's next sentence as it gathered volume with every word.

'… dump you both in the darkest corners of the Case Progression Unit at opposite ends of the country, I won't be doing it fucking lightly will I?'

Rachel sat and absorbed the words. She didn't flinch this time or well up. It was time she accepted the consequences of her actions. There was something in Gill's voice that told her that Janet had been right. The pain. It seemed easy to recognise now that she was looking for it. Leaning forward a little, Rachel peered into Gill's office, seeking her out. Her slim figure was silhouetted against the light cast by her desk lamp. She looked so tiny and fragile, holding herself together like that. Rachel wished she was able to comfort her. She wished, at that moment, that she had the capacity and the right to do that. Instead, she could only watch as Gill faced off against Janet, almost growling out words that Rachel didn't need to hear to understand. Get out.

Janet crept out of the office looking so drained that Rachel felt frightened. She almost jumped up to stop her keeling over. The tiny flicker of movement caught Janet's eye and Rachel was relieved that, when she looked at her, Janet's eyes were still steady. Only so sad. Rachel looked in through the windows again, searching out Gill's shadow once more. She was still standing, facing away now. Rachel wanted to go in. She wanted to get it over with. She wanted to try to help, to apologise, to make up for what she had done in some tiny minuscule way. She looked back to Janet who shook her head. Not now. She swallowed those wants as selfish and nodded her acceptance. Better get out of there. Janet peeled herself off Gill's office door and walked out fast. Rachel followed as quietly as she could.

They didn't speak until they were outside the building. Standing in the mizzling rain, in the orange streetlight, they looked at one another.

'Jan...' Rachel began. She knew it was her responsibility. Janet waited.

'I think we shouldn't...' She closed her eyes and bit her lip for a second then forced herself to go on. 'Not now.' She felt like shit. In one way, there was nothing she would have like more than to run to Janet's warm arms which were so patient and open. She would have loved to forget and distract herself from all her thoughts with pure sensation. But it was wrong.

'I think we should go home. Not together.' She stressed the words for clarity. 'I ummm... I need to talk to Gill.' She paused at the magnitude of that thought then, noticing the slight jarring in Janet's expression, she hurried on.

'I need to apologise and... I don't know... explain, not explain but yeah, ummm talk about how we went wrong and... try to move on.' Janet reached out and squeezed Rachel's hand. Rachel looked down at their linked fingers, palms pressed together. She stroked Janet's finger with her thumb and smiled sadly.

'You were right,' she said, softly. 'I don't deserve you.'

'I never...'

'No. I don't deserve Gill after what I did, breaking her trust, and I don't deserve you, I'm no good to you.'

'Rachel.' Janet's voice took on a warning tone. 'Don't.'

Rachel looked up at her. Janet frowned at her and squeezed her hand tighter.

'Let's just do as you said – go home. We're both too tired to talk about this now. Let's just... see how things go. Ok?'

Rachel nodded. She felt bone tired all of a sudden, almost too tired to keep standing, too tired to move her feet. She had done what she could for now. It was a pathetic, tiny tiny nothing of a something but it was all that she could do tonight. Tomorrow, she would start again to make amends.

Rachel followed Janet out.

...

That was what broke Gill. Gill hadn't seen her come in but she definitely saw her leave, the two shaded figures moving quiet and fast. Out the door and away. Together.

How long had Rachel been there? What had she heard? Was she laughing to herself – daft old cow, thinking she was important – were they laughing together? Suddenly furious in her pain, Gill threw herself into her chair, grabbed the first thing that came to hand and hurled it at the last point she had seen them. She bit down on the tears but they came anyway. How could they? How dare they? Gill felt such a fool. Rachel, part of her had always expected it wouldn't last, but Janet. She could hardly bear to think about it. Part of her was kicking herself for not realising, not noticing, not being aware. This was her team. This was one of her closest friends. She should have known about this long before it developed. She must have been blinkered, dazzled by Rachel's attention. God what a sad sack. And she had almost fallen for it all again this afternoon. That was what killed her. Gill banged her fists on her desk and screwed her eyes shut. She had almost given in and decided to play along. She had thought their connection was strong enough, that maybe it was all a mistake and, even if it wasn't, that what they had was enough. For a while there, she had believed that she could still work with Rachel, even if she had cheated on her. It would be worth it, she'd been thinking, for those glorious thinking sessions. They were better than sex, those mental tennis games, or as good as. The buzz that rippled through her whole being and the sense of connection was stronger than anything she had felt. It was certainly a good enough substitute for the relationship they had had that Gill had been considering settling for it. She thought she had sensed in Rachel the same sensations she had felt herself. She must have been so wrong. And Gill Murray hated, hated, to be wrong. Especially where people were concerned, especially her team. She didn't make judgements until she was sure of something, usually. She observed and gathered information and waited until she could weigh all the evidence and answer all the questions. Only then did she make decisions and she did not make bad ones. So it burned like crazy, on top of everything else, to know that she had been so drastically wrong about what she had been seeing and thinking today. How had she been so blind? Those two must have been carrying on about it all day, right under her nose. Gill wanted to throw things. She wanted to throw things so badly that she forced herself to sit on her hands to stop herself. Questions would be asked if her entire office was found to look like a hurricane had hit it by the morning. She would not embarrass herself further by subjecting herself to office gossip. She would not. Gill kicked her feet instead, digging her heels into the underside of her desk where the marks would not be seen. If she could just be angry, if she could just stay angry enough, maybe she wouldn't have to feel all the pain.

Rachel had been her lover, her girlfriend, her protégée, her little star. One of the best young detectives she had ever known and one of the very few people who Gill had let get close to her these last five years. The office would be dead and grey without her chaotic, inspired, temperamental presence.

Janet had been her friend for so long that Gill couldn't imagine her life without Janet in it. She relied upon her in all sorts of little ways that passed without comment or notice in everyday life. And she was good at her job, bloody good at it, the best interviewer in the syndicate.

But Gill didn't think that she could physically stand to be in the same room as either of them any more. The mere thought made her stomach boil and her fingers and toes curl. Dry sobs shook her body. It made her want to throw things again, to stamp and cry and scream at them both till they saw, until they listened, until the whole wretched situation went away.

Gill's mobile rang, breaking through her haze of misery. She reached for it automatically.

'Gill Murray,' she gasped. Only when she heard her own voice did she realise that she sounded awful and she hadn't even looked at the caller id. In the moment's silence she prayed it wasn't somebody important or, worse still, bloody Dave.

'Gill?' Julie's voice, uncharacteristically gentle, sent a wave of relief through her. Release from that moment of extra stress undid her defences. The tears came harder, the sobs that had shaken her almost silently a minute before now threatened to choke her. She found her throat was swollen and she couldn't speak.

'Gill are you ok?' Gill tried her absolute damnedest to speak properly and managed a broken 'hiya slap.' It was the most pathetic thing she thought she had ever said, the chirpy words contrasting with her tone to make her sound even more pitiful.

'Oh Gill,' Julie sighed. 'What's she done?' Gill made a distinct effort to get a grip on herself. This wasn't what she and Julie did. No, she thought, it was mostly Janet's shoulder she had cried on, when she had needed to. Not a good moment to remember that as it only hurt her deeper.

'I wasn't going to tell you.' The words sounded rough but Gill got them out without sobbing. There was a pause from the other end of the phone.

'Why the hell not you dozy cow?' Gill barked a laugh and had to stop herself as it almost dissolved into a sob again.

'If you say I told you so I'll fucking kill you. Twice.' Julie chuckled.

'D'you want a lift? D'you want to go for a drink or something? Cos, honest love, you sound as though you need it.'

Gill closed her eyes. 'Hmmm... in a minute.' She was so tired. Everything that had happened in the last twenty-four hours was piling up on top of her. It was so much, so heavy, she wasn't sure she could move. With Julie down the other end of the phone, even not speaking, she felt safe enough to switch off.

Almost she thought she might fall asleep, when a thought dropped into her head in the way that odd thoughts sometimes did. She went cold.

'What you calling for anyway?' she asked, switching to sharp. Julie's silence gave her away.

'I... thought you might want to talk.'

'Oh?' Gill's voice was flinty. 'Why?' Julie sighed and all too obviously gave up.

'Janet phoned you, didn't she?' Gill demanded.

'Yes.' The simple admission undermined Gill's outrage and she found herself biting back tears again, furious at her own reactions.

'What did she say?' Gill's voice sounded small, even to herself. She hated herself for being this pathetic but at least it was only to Julie.

'She didn't tell me anything, just said you needed a friend, to ring you. Oh, and that Rachel has gone home. Whatever that's supposed to mean.' Julie's patience, never her strongest asset, was plainly wearing thin. Gill, however, was too stunned to reply. What the hell on earth did that mean? Janet was looking out for her, Janet and Rachel were not together. What the hell on earth was she supposed to do with that information? How was she supposed to feel? She was dragged relentlessly back into the present by her friend's voice down the phone again.

'Now are you going to tell me what's going on or are we going to go for a drink or what? You're starting to worry me here Gill.' Gill could hear the very real concern behind the short and stroppy words. At least she had one firm point to hold onto in the middle of the rest of this mess. She made a decision, a small one, it would do for now.

'Drink. Come pick me up. I need to get hammered.'

...

At midnight, Rachel buried her face in her pillow and wondered what Gill and Janet were each doing, where they would all be this time on Monday.

.

At one o'clock, Janet stared at her bedroom ceiling, running through possible versions of her next conversation with Gill. None of them ended well.

.

At two o'clock in the morning, Gill keeled over sideways onto her sofa having temporarily drowned the day's memories. She barely groaned when Julie picked her feet up and slipped her shoes off, totally unaware by the time she flicked the off the light.

...

_There will be hollow nights _

_filled with ghosts of the things you didn't do, _

_the words you said wrong,_

_all that you did not see that seemed so small, _

_until now._

* * *

**Part of me is tempted to leave it here but there _may_ be another chapter in which they actually TALK to each other!**


	6. Chapter 6

**Last chapter. Absolutely definitely. Apologies for the cheesy ending. No apologies for the angst. Thank you for reading and especially to all those lovely people who have reviewed – you have kept me going. This is the longest thing I have ever written and I still can't quite believe that I have.**

**Special thanks again to Aimeefran for her beautiful video to which I am still addicted!**

* * *

"_see I never meant for you to have to crawl,__"_

_..._

When Rachel arrived at the pub, Gill was already there, sitting at a table in the corner. At first glance, she looked angry – stiff, upright, unforgiving – but today Rachel looked harder. The stiffness was that of a woman straining every nerve to hold herself under control and the hand that grasped the glass in front of her so tight that her fingers looked almost talon-like gave her away. She had dressed for the occasion in one of her usual power suits but with a fancier top than she usually wore to work. All the same, there was an energy, a sparkle, that Rachel associated with her, that was missing today. It was like she was faintly smudged around the edges.

Rachel let go of the chair she hadn't noticed she was hanging onto and walked over quickly, before she could turn tail and run. Gill looked up sharply and Rachel was reminded of just how attractive she was. In a strange way, any kind of stress made Gill's looks even more striking. Her cheekbones stood out and her eyes seemed bigger, making it easier to read the numerous flickering expressions which fled across them. _Shock, relief, anger, pleasure, nerves. _Rachel was caught off guard by the lurch of desire to touch her. Instead, she sat on the padded bench, keeping a careful distance, and she folded her hands in her lap to stop herself from playing with the beermat.

'Hi.'

Gill nodded stiffly and took a swig of her drink. Why did Rachel Bailey have to be so beautiful? There was an effect she had that Gill would swear she was completely unaware of.

'Can I get you anything?' Rachel asked. Gill looked down and realised she had emptied her glass already.

'Orange juice. Please.'

Gill watched her as she went to the bar. It wasn't that Rachel didn't know she was pretty, she wasn't stupid. It was more that she didn't realise the emotional impact she had on people, that her looks could start an attraction that went beyond physical desire. There was nothing calculated in the way she drew people to her, not like the magnetism that Dave say, or Julie, could exercise. Half the time Rachel didn't even seem to notice. As Rachel turned with the drinks in her hands, she smiled automatically and Gill felt an answering lift tug at her facial muscles. What was she doing? Rachel quickly assumed a sober look and Gill bit her lip to get herself under control again.

'If you'd stood me up, I would have actually murdered you.' Gill's attempt at humour fell rather sour as Rachel looked at her seriously.

'Right.' She nodded.

They sat in silence, staring out across the nearly empty pub. It wasn't their usual. Rachel had picked a place that didn't do Sunday lunches and was well away from the team's regular haunts. She had made the arrangements but, now she was here, she had no idea how to begin. All of the words had flown out of her head and everything she had thought about saying sounded ridiculous the more she went over them. So she took her usual approach and plunged straight in at the deep end.

'I'm sorry.'

Gill turned to look at her and Rachel raised her head to meet whatever was coming.

'For what?' Her voice was precise and clipped. 'For lying to me, for cheating on me, for sleeping with my best friend behind my back? For what Rachel?' She sounded more curious than anything else but there was decidedly an edge. After everything that had happened yesterday, Rachel knew enough to recognise it as real pain. She took a deep breath.

'Yes. For all of that. For everything.'

'Why?' Gill threw the question down. Rachel looked floored – trust Gill to ask the hard questions first. There were just too many answers, too many whys to know where to begin.

'Why did you sleep with her, for starters? Why cheat on me?'

Rachel felt as though she was stepping off the top of some high thing, poised above water maybe on some cliff or bridge; she was stepping off into emptiness and hoping she wouldn't break on impact. The only way to do it was to open her mouth and pray that something came out, anything at all.

'I was drunk.' Gill tossed her head in disgust and Rachel hurried onward, desperately.

'And I know that's no excuse but... But I felt...' Oh here was the hard part. She didn't know _how _to say it, _how _to lay herself that open and vulnerable. Not in front of Gill. She had always tried to be perfect. Mind you, look where that had got her. Rachel tried not to think too much, she knew if she did she would never get the words out. She was making a hash of it already. Gill was biting her lip and looking like she might get up and go at any moment, she had to just say something. Tell her the truth. Try.

'I felt like Janet was the only person who was there for me. The only one who cared. For me.'

She looked down at the table as she spoke, unable to cope with saying it and looking at Gill at the same time. Watching her, Gill recognised the sincerity behind her words, even as a wave of total bewilderment swept over her. How could Rachel feel that way? What the hell was she thinking? How could she not have noticed that she, Gill, was probably certifiably crazy about her? Gill ran a hand through her hair. Her heart ached for Rachel but her brain insisted on asking – was this any excuse?

Rachel lifted her head and looked Gill dead in the eye.

'I'm thinking, now, that I might have been wrong about that.'

Gill stared her out, trying to read her. She did her best to ignore the first rush of emotion that came in reaction. Rachel looked scared, vulnerable. There was also the tiniest bit of a challenge there too. Sorrow. And something else. But what mostly impressed itself on Gill was the openness. It cost Rachel to do that, she could see. It wasn't what she did. In fact, it was almost too much. Gill felt a surge of anger, because laying herself out like this was an invitation, no practically a demand, that Gill do the same. And she had no right, after what she had done, to demand anything. She knew Gill couldn't refuse a challenge, damn her. The seconds passed as Gill seethed over her drink, undecided whether she wanted Rachel to feel her anger or not, whether she would answer, or not. The trouble was, Gill was honest enough to realise that part of her anger came from guilt. Rachel had felt that way because she had not done something. But why should she feel guilty when she was the injured party? She snapped round to face her, warding her off with her hands, barely holding back her fury.

'Don't do this to me Rachel. Do not try to make this into my fault.'

Rachel frowned, then her eyes widened in understanding.

'No, no. Look, that isn't what I meant.' She raised her glass, trying to buy herself time to get the words right. She only realised she was shaking when the ice cubes started rattling against her teeth.

'I'm really shit at this,' she muttered. 'What I mean is, I am an idiot. I'm a knobhead. I couldn't see that you gave a shit about me and... I should have done. I should have trusted you.

'Rachel, I...' Gill stared hopelessly at the dark-haired woman. Rachel should have trusted her, but hadn't. She had trusted Rachel, but clearly she shouldn't have. The irony was not lost on Gill. Neither was the sadness.

The stare stretched as that sadness swelled between them. There was none of their usual tension, only this deep sorrow. Tears stood in Rachel's eyes and Gill wasn't far from it when a quiet voice interrupted them.

'Hello.' They both looked up to see Janet standing over the table.

'Sorry I'm late.' There was an awkward moment as she registered her wording – _sorry – _sorry I'm late, sorry for hurting you, sorry for, well, a hundred shifted uncomfortably while Rachel and Gill struggled to adjust as the connection between them was broken.

'I'll just, umm, get a drink,' Janet murmured.

Standing at the bar, Janet watched covertly as Gill rubbed a hand over her face, Rachel blinked hard repeatedly and they both tried not to look at each other. Janet screwed her hands together as she steeled herself. She had made her decision. She was going to stick to it.

When Janet joined them, the three of them sat in silence, staring at their glasses. This had been Rachel's idea, surprisingly enough, that they should meet up, that they should talk. Janet had been impressed. It obviously wasn't going to be easy. She didn't know what was going to come out of it but at least, hopefully, it would be better than to-ing and fro-ing between each other, getting their wires crossed and their messages mixed and ending up hating each other worse than ever.

'Can I just say something? Two things actually.' Two heads jerked towards Janet and she carried on fast, before anyone could stop her.

'First of all, I want to say sorry, Gill. I'm sorry.' With a quick gasp of breath, she turned to her old friend and took her hands. 'I am so sorry. I should never have done that.' Gill stiffened but she didn't pull away. Taking that as a reasonably good sign, Janet hurried on again.

'And secondly, it's not going to happen again.' Her voice dropped and she flicked her gaze toward Rachel briefly before bringing it back to Gill. Gill's eyes narrowed, studying her. Her voice was harsh when she spoke.

'Why should I believe you?'

'Because I'm telling you. I'm promising you.' Janet still held her hands lightly in her own. 'I mean, even if you never speak to either of us again after today,' Rachel couldn't help wincing, but the other two ignored it. 'Even if you throw us both to the wolves, we're not going to do that again. I'm not.'

Gill nodded, appraisingly and switched her focus to Rachel.

'And what about Rachel? Have you talked to her about this?' There was that fear again, that they were going behind her back, laughing behind their hands.

'No.'

'Did you not like her then? Was it not much good, shagging her?' Gill was shivering with emotion, withdrawing her hands to screw them together in her lap. She couldn't help lashing out.

'No.' Janet poured all of her effort into staying calm. Somehow they had to fix this and getting angry was not going to help.

'It was,' her eyes found Rachel's, 'wonderful.' Despite herself, she felt a flush colouring her cheeks. This was so awkward, she and Gill never talked about stuff like this, and in a public place too. Janet felt her insides curling up in embarrassment but she had promised herself that she would be absolutely honest. It was only fair. So she had to keep going.

'But it was wrong. And it would always be wrong, for us.' Gill gripped her glass, twisting it in circles. Janet leaned forward towards both of them.

'I love Rach to bits. She's my best friend.' She reached out a hand to her. 'I hope you always will be.'

This was the gamble, this was the really scary bit. Would Rachel still want her at all, after being rejected? Janet would have liked to talk to her alone first, found out where Rach's head was at but, under the circumstances, this was the best she could do. She had made her own decision about what she could do to make things right, or as more right as possible. Seeing Rachel and Gill together when she had walked into the pub today had only reinforced the idea in Janet's head that they loved each other, that they should be together if there was any way they could. She couldn't actually make that happen. The only thing she could do was take herself out of the equation. It hurt, yes, but Janet could deal with that. The thing that worried her though, that downright scared her in fact, was that Rachel might not want her as a friend any more. If that happened, well, Janet didn't even want to think about it. So she searched Rachel's face anxiously and reached out a very tentative hand. The relief she felt when Rachel gripped it tight was overwhelming.

'Course I will you daft bugger,' Rachel croaked. They clutched hands self-consciously for a minute, acutely aware of Gill's presence. Rachel badly wanted to hug Jan hard, but she stopped herself.

'It's ok,' she breathed. 'It's ok.' Janet blinked watery eyes and let go, sitting back in her seat. She looked at Gill in some trepidation.

'I am sorry,' she said very gently.

Gill was rapidly reaching the stage of wanting to stamp her feet and throw things again and she wasn't even quite sure why. It was all just too much – too much emotion, too much stress, too much building up inside her. In these particular surroundings, however, the only thing she could do was hit out with her words.

'Well this is all very cosy,' she snapped. The table lapsed into another scratchy silence.

Gill was reeling with everything she had heard. She didn't know what to think. Her brain had snagged on Janet's "_wonderful_" and couldn't seem to move on. She had said it so quietly, so sweetly. It made Gill feel sick. Those images that had taunted her the other night had a face now and a shape. Janet and Rachel – Rachel and Janet – wonderful – having wonderful sex together and cosying up as best friends. Really, what was she doing here? There didn't seem to be the tiniest bit of room for her. Did either of them even care for her in the slightest?

Gill forced herself to stop before she let her thoughts become too histrionic. Janet had accused her of being melodramatic before. The memory brought a tiny rueful smile to her face. Gill took a sip of her drink to calm herself. She wished now that she had got something alcoholic, even though she still felt dog rough after last night. Screw it, she thought – medicinal purposes, for her nerves, and her blood pressure.

'Will somebody get me some bloody vodka in one of these.' Gill waved the glass then banged it down on the table.

Rachel leapt up. 'I'll go.' As she leaned over and turned, a waft of her perfume rolled over Gill and she couldn't help breathing it deeply. It still had the power to draw a smile to her face, to send some soothing and exhilarating message right through to her nerve endings. Gill blinked and watched Rachel jittering nervously at the bar. Janet watched Gill in silent concern.

They were both here, actually, Gill had to admit. That said something. And if she managed to absorb what they had each said to her so far then she was wrong in what she had been thinking a minute ago. They did care. They wouldn't have bothered with all this farce if they didn't. Gill passed a hand over her eyes. When had her life got this complicated?

'You know, all she's ever wanted in life is to work in MIT and have somebody love her.' Janet spoke softly, following Rachel's movements. She looked back at Gill and arched her eyebrows. It took Gill a moment to process what she meant and when she did her own eyebrows disappeared up under her fringe.

'You've got a bloody cheek, madam.' There was an shade of amusement to her outrage though – the habit of friendship was a hard one to break, especially after nearly twenty years. She betrayed you, Gill reminded herself. But she couldn't hate Janet. The betrayal still hurt but Gill realised that the edge had gone off her rage. She wasn't sure she could forgive her though either.

Rachel returned with the drink. As soon as she sat down, Janet turned on her.

'Did you tell her?

'What?'

'What?' There were twin gasps from Rachel and Gill, followed by a sort of choking sound from Rachel as Janet made huge significant eyes at her.

'So you didn't tell.' Janet looked despairing. 'Honestly, I think you need your head examined. Actually, that goes for the pair of you.'

'Tell me what?' Gill cut in testily. There was a sharp thread of fear running through her. What else? What more? What had they been hiding?

'So, just to be clear,' Janet looked from Rachel to Gill, 'Rach didn't tell you that she loves you?'

The silence that followed sank deep and thick and dark.

'That's not true.' Gill shook her head, her eyes glued on Rachel. Rachel swayed slightly in her seat. For a moment, she couldn't see, couldn't even breathe. Janet watched her nervously, wondering if she had gone too far. If Rachel said the wrong thing... Janet hardly dared to think - she could have hurt both her best friends more than ever.

'No. Janet's right.' Rachel sounded as if she was about to pass out but she kept speaking, directly to Gill now.

'I do. Love you.' It was hardly the most romantic declaration, stammered out over the gulf of a scarred pub table. It was broken and awkward and painful and totally serious.

'And I know, that I've hurt you. I'm not asking for anything. I know I don't deserve, God, anything. And I am so so sorry. But yeah, I love you. I have done for... ages and I still do and I'm probably not going to stop.' Rachel ground to a halt and let her eyes drop. She had the strangest compulsion to bite her nails – she never did that. Fighting it down, she waited – for the room to stop spinning, for her heart to stop thumping, for Gill to respond.

'Rachel,' Gill's voice was every bit as broken. Rachel's head jerked up and they slipped effortlessly into one of their connections again. Janet suddenly felt very out of place.

'I have spent the last six months thinking about you every other minute, at least. I've put my career on the line for you. I've been, hell I've been putting up with you in my syndicate for the last two odd years because I think you're brilliant. I've been sleeping with you for three months, talking to you, sharing...' Gill choked.

Janet felt her cheeks grow hot again. She was uncomfortably unsure if this was due to her own embarrassment or if she was picking up on something going on between the other two. What she wanted to do was leave but she really didn't want to break in on them. This was what she had been trying to set up, after all.

Rachel leaned forward towards Gill. Her hand twitched with wanting to touch her but she didn't quite dare. Gill looked up at the ceiling as she spoke next, blinking back tears.

'You know, I never believed you could...' The tears filled her throat. She glared horribly, hating her weakness, determined to continue.

'I'm still not sure that I do.' Rachel's whole body jerked and her mouth opened. She forcibly closed it. Not now.

'Now.' Gill had to swallow as she heard the word wobble and she tried again. 'Now, I'm not sure how I feel.'

Rachel nodded with surprisingly quiet acceptance. Seeing a break in the moment, Janet stood up.

'I'm going to go.' She fumbled for her bag. 'Ummm, can I call you later Gill?' Janet was still aware that they hadn't talked about work. Gill hadn't made it clear whether she had meant what she said about transferring them both or if she just needed a bit of time or if it had been said in temper and she had changed her mind or what. Janet didn't want to walk into the office as usual tomorrow morning and have this all blow up again in front of the rest of the team. Perhaps it would be easier to have that conversation over the phone though.

Gill nodded at her absently then, as Janet turned to go, her brain clicked into gear and she cottoned on.

'Janet. Hang on a sec,' she called. Janet came back and leaned against her chair back. Her face was calm but both Gill and Rachel knew her well enough to see the tension in her body. Janet might be quieter about it, but she loved her job every bit as passionately they did. Rachel went pale as she waited for Gill's verdict.

'I don't want to get rid of you, either of you.' Gill spoke through clenched teeth and she closed her eyes for a second so she didn't have to see them both sag slightly with relief. She continued, coldly.

'I promised myself, I swore, I wasn't going to let my personal life affect the job. Now you two have hurt me and betrayed my trust personally but, work-wise, you have never let me down. You're good, you're very good and we need that. I don't know how we are going to get on after all of this shit but we are going to work together and be professionals. Ok?'

Janet and Rachel nodded, their eyes on their feet like naughty children.

'Thank you,' Janet whispered. She touched Rachel's shoulder lightly, gave Gill a sad half-smile and left. Outside, the day was mild and bright but Janet wrapped her arms tightly round herself and shivered.

Inside, Rachel and Gill sat, not talking again. At first, Rachel couldn't speak, then she didn't know what to say. She just didn't want to leave.

Gill sneaked a glance at her, over her glass. She felt exhausted again. She felt too many things and she was wary of acting on any of them because she was fairly certain that her judgement was impaired right then.

Part of her wanted to walk out of there without looking back and never mention any of this ever again, to pretend that their relationship had never even happened. But she knew she was no stone-hearted bitch.

Part of her wanted to drag Rachel away and shag every trace of anyone else off her, to drive her crazy with wanting, to drive herself mad with lust. But she knew that that would be a very very bad idea.

Part of her wanted to just kiss her and be held and pretend that only the good stuff had happened and none of the bad. But she couldn't kill the pain, she couldn't snap her fingers and forget.

Part of her still wanted to scream and hit and kick and rage at the universe, but she was far too tired.

A big part of her simply wanted to sleep.

Rachel watched Gill and felt her pulse quicken. It was all still there – the connection, the desire, the yearning, admiration, curiosity, the depth of emotion, love, the indefinable tug. But there was more too, now – sorrow, guilt, regret, an even deeper respect, gratitude and a slight fear.

'I wish.' The words escaped. Rachel stopped and shook her head. Wishes were for babies.

'I know, after everything I've done, we can't...' She leaned forward, close, her fingertips almost almost brushing the back of Gill's hand. 'But I hope, I really hope, we can still work together.'

Gill looked down at the tiny fraction of space that separated them.

'I did, love you, actually,' she breathed. 'I was in love with you Rachel and I can't just turn that off like a tap.' She lifted her hand and tangled her fingers lightly with Rachel's. She had been right – it was exquisite torture. Rachel held her breath.

'But you broke my trust. That really really hurt. I can't...' Gill waved her hands to encompass everything that was impossible for her, for them. Rachel nodded understanding soberly.

'But we can still work together, can't we?' Rachel's heart trembled and her fingers shook in Gill's. They had to. 'You and me, we can make that work. Don't you think?' Almost unconsciously, Gill tightened her grip.

'I hope so.'

...

"no I never meant to let you go at all._"_


End file.
